Depression of being inclusive

The worst part of being in depression is you can really connect to the world as you supposed to be. It seems to be hurt, or feeling of puzzled when you see people are laughing, chatting happily, and it seems to be tough to understand the feelings. In order not to be such a sensitive asshole, I guess another choice is to depersonalize myself from any situation. I think I am kind of able to manipulate my depression situation, where even my parents don't seem me to be depressed, I am a cherished person. Perhaps any right way to live in this world is, living without feelings, so I won't be feeling anything, hurt, anger, sadness, sorrow, any emotions that I needed to survive. It is not healthy for me to live with feelings where I am being too sentimental and sensitive over the things, and words. A simple minor gesture cost me a happy day, in return with a solemn hearted moment, panic attacks, and endless moments of spinning heads. 

Brought me to a social context that I am trying to be expected and okay person, pretend to be a cherish and visionary person, I got panic attacked. Throughout the conversations, several panic attacks, leads to physical discomforts like nausea and butterfly stomach, ended up I almost puke and had diarrhoea eventually. I am confused, while I was being told I can be a part of the projects, but when comes to another context, I was not being introduced to the person, as in I am excluded. Puzzled, who am I supposed to be? Am I in the project, or not?

Now I figured out, I don't like being exclusive; being inclusive in someone's life, meant alot to me at the moment. A simple gesture of introduction meant the recognition of your friends and positions in the heart. I am no longer there. 

Depression of Being Helpless

This is the 3rd major relapse that i could remember. I am on medication (Brintellix and Lexapro, 5mg both) but to some points it doesn't work that much. I asked my psychologist during my pyschotherapy, why would this be happening to me again although I am on medication? I got endless taughts running through my head, and panic attack most of the time. He was a little shocked, and said: "Perhaps this time, the impacts of (failure) striked too hard on you." I think, yea, it makes sense, what else fought me down then. 

Most of the people don't understand, the feeling of suffering from depression. Most of the time, people or even care giver said: "Yea, I can understand how you feel." NO, a normal people cant ever know how a depressed person's feeling. By here, what i meant of depressed person is the people clinically diagnosed with depression. As what I know, I am suffering from bipolar disorder, and was misdiagnosed as depression at the first place. It is common that bipolar disorder often get mistreated, as what i experienced, I was a manic before who is really a high achiever (which i am so proud of myself over the achievements and i wish i could maintain who i am at that point), and most of the time i am in depressive mood. 

Every patient experienced different kind of feelings when it comes to battling depression. As in mine, i had quite a few episodes with various scenarios. I experienced, the person who is climbing up the hill with load of rocks at my back; trapped in the storm; lost in the middle of the sea and drowning. It might seems vague and hyperbold on the emotions but it is the truth that what is going on with my emotion when i am suffering from depression episode. It is not merely sad, but lost of hope, no sense of self value, helplessness, lost sense of time and motivation. 

I woke up in the morning, the first question i could ever asked, why am i still awake. My friends said, you should getting going to do something, and yea, i pushed myself twice of my usual efforts to wake up. Lately, i watched Netflix alot, my partner said i should try to be productive instead of just going on Netflix. I don't have much to say but i just don't feel like moving and waking up from my bed, at all. 

I cried alot, like almost everyday. My partner doesn't understand, why am i crying again. I felt sad, lonely and helpless for most of the time. I looked at my partner, she is great, she is busy on making great things to happen, and i wish i can help her with her loads at the moment, but she refused my gestures. For a normal person, perhaps, the thinking would probably: "Okay. She doesn't need help which means she can manage on her own, which is great." For me, i would have cried, and the thoughts are running through again: "Is that because i am useless? She doesn't need my help perhaps because i can't really help her out." It makes me felt myself a burden, self blame for not being a better person. 

For her, being a care giver, it hasn't been easy, and i drained her energy way too much. I can understand if she wants to quit, and i told her so. It has been 5 years, and i am so tired of battling, again and again. It just got worst from time to time. I started my medication just 10 months ago because my cognitive functions have been affected. Memory distorted, dysfunction in thinking, I don't know what is the rights and the wrong (ethical issues), and indecisive, lose sense of time, hallucination.... Alot that i had been through, i got so stressed that i cant even memorize a simple things, and sometimes the memory just did not register well into my brain. I can't recall. Any terms that i can tell, depersonalization, hallucination, dementia, cognitive disorder, a little DID? I am not sure. 

No one can ever know how i feel, people just can't understand. At least my psychologist knows, and he understands how i felt, at least i have a little sense of security now. 

71

I have been on the peak of the hill; I climbed so hard that I thought I must go achieve it. I pushed myself, very hard. At the moment, my living insane. I went nuts and craving for more, more knowledge, more skills, more interactions, more network. I want to be superhero. Indeed, I made it at some point. Everyone thinks I am good, I am perfect, but who knows, the pains I suffered.

While climbing up the hill, I was stroked by lightning. I blacked out. When I woke, I found myself at the bottom of the hill. The people used to be my mates were all gone. I tried to climb again but it took double of my energy, and I know I am exhausted. The situation went out of control as it is out of my expectation; I never know the beasts existed.

I was so weak, barely crawled myself to get some food and water, not even hunting anymore. I am out of my energy. The beasts howl for attack, they did. Scars and bloods splashing over my body, then they leave. Astral projection; I saw my naked body in the woods, I thought I am dead. But the heart is pumping underneath the skin. I am still alive.

I picked up the thorn pieces; the brain, the eyes, the limbs. It's all fixed. One left unfixed was the memory, the memory ball was gone. I walked a few miles, then I found the debris of the memory ball, it was broken. I took the debris and kept it inside a bottle, carefully and treasury, I will not going to lose it again. 

Meanwhile, I trying to climb again instead of rest. The pus covered all over body yet the scars left untreated. So it took me much more than I used to be, heavier. I carried a bag of rocks and it is heavier than I thought. Sometimes it dragged me down and slower my progress that I could be. 

70

话说，该让心理的情绪流动。我最近都很激动，似乎接受不了甚少的变动。我有话要说，不吐不快。
“你今年几岁？” “24” “哦，不对，是22。” 噗！连自己的年龄也搞乱了。
收益多，感触多，压力自然多。
天天都得提醒自己照镜子，免得连自己的脸都认不出来。对的，自己看回年头的照片，心想“怎么变得那么不一样？”。
回到槟城的家，我的床在哪里？有洁癖的我，睡客厅是个难度。
哥25岁，买了一间房子。
为什么你们就是喜欢把事情复杂化？让后把自己累不堪可。
你知不知道，你每次的诉苦，是在增重握的负担, 我的压力？
我怎么那么无能？
我可不可以不接手？我其实什么都不懂。
我真的很害怕。
为什么我需要有人在我身边而没人在？左看右顾，原来只有自己在。
我可不可以有一次说“我不行？”
可不可以别告诉我“你不行。”
可不可以告诉我“其实你可以大声地哭出来。”
心里常常在呐喊着“那我一个人的时间呢？”
我其实懂得不够多。

拖着拖着，就像拖得一颗到石头走路。
我真的需要一个人的时间，让我静一静，让我逃离这框框，一下子就好。

69

你说，你会一直守护着我，直到我有另一半为止。其实，我更希望，你就是守护我的人。=)

68

特别喜欢这文章，他已经把我的心声，一个一个字眼写了出来。
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放弃，因为坚持得不够久
文：侯建良

排定每天的跑步时间也因此成为了我生活规划中很重要的一部分。一般而言，我习惯在清晨跑步，因为这样可以让跑步受每天不确定行程的影响程度最小。事实上，在持续维持着习惯的背后，几乎每天都有想要放弃的念头；前一晚熬得晚，天气太冷．．．．．．，就总会想要让自己在被窝里多赖一下床，或放自己一天假；天气太热或天候恶劣，总会想要逃避天候所带来的煎熬；一天行程太紧，，总会想要让自己放假一次。几乎每天都处在一个“坚持”与“通融”的天人交战中。

也许有些人会认为这是一种强迫症作祟的结果，对此我不置可否。对我而言，维持每天跑步的习惯是可以让自己证明只要够想要，维持一定程度的毅力与恒心并不是不可能，很多限制或窒碍难行之处往往仅是自己所揣摩的藉口，并非全然无法克服。

很多限制其实并不存在，仅是自我设限。若我预计自己将得一整天忙碌，我可以提前一天多跑一次；若我一大早有行程，我可以更早起床晨跑，也可以选择晚点跑步。任何保护自己，安慰自己的理由，本质上通常只是让自己不必坚持，可以破例的藉口，很多看似冠冕堂皇地让自己破例或放弃的理由其实都可以在无须破例，不必放弃的前提下因应，只要自己有心去面对与克服。

常会有人问我：“下雨天还跑吗？”．．．．．．没错，在这些日子里，我都得跑，因为我知道，我只要选择在一个空间给自己放弃的机会，那我就会陆续在相似的空间内也给自己放弃的理由，或甚至借口，而这空间也会越放越大（下大雨可以不跑步，那么下小雨也可以，天气热也可以．．．．．．），也因此放弃的标准就会越来越宽松。

“放弃”总是比“坚持”容易，我们有太多可以说服自己放弃，通融自己的理由，但是让自己坚持的理由却总是相对地少。对我而言，一旦想到自己一时的惰性或偷懒而打破自己十多年养成的习惯，自然就会收敛自己的藉口，不让自己后悔。人常有一个迷思，持续久了就会想放弃，但事实上，若一个习惯维持多年，坚持越久往往就越不容易放弃。若一个人常常处于放弃的情境中，很可能就隐含了他从未真正坚持或坚持得还不够久。若一个人不够透过“坚持”来累积“放弃”所需承担的成本，那他很容易在成本不高，或甚至没有成本的状况下选择放弃。

“坚持”绝对需要的并不是兴趣，而是责任与成就感。也许，我们可以说，一个人之所以对一个习惯坚持是因为那是他的兴趣；但仔细想想，若一个兴趣得要每天花上一段时间，强度去执行，那支撑的力量除了兴趣，还需要有一份自发的责任感。

不论在职场上，生活中，我们常在一个好习惯，好理念的维持上无法持之以恒，太早放弃，这往往是没有在这过程中获得坚持的成就感，或是累积放弃的成本。因此，在坚持的过程中，要更正向地看到坚持的好处与成就（不论是外界所给予的肯定，或是自发性的体认）；在放弃之前，也要多思考放弃所需负担的成本。
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我之所以喜欢跑步，因为跑步所需的不只是体力，更讲究意志力。

67

So I found something interesting and quite true about me, even I can't believe myself that I fell into this trap, where this is just an app that I downloaded for fun. It's the fortune teller.

The Chinese birth chart analysis tells:
Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the stars, not only delicate, yer with femininity. There are many stars in the sky, but not as bright as the sun and moon, so you do not like to show off. You do not like to make decisions and often wait for opportunities to come to you.
You are born intelligent and clever, but cannot quite stick to what you do. You have short-lived enthusiasm, are interested in many things, but lack the determination and perseverance to carry it through. In addition, you show a very strong and obvious reaction between love and hate, and willing to sacrifice foe one and totally block out other. You like mature and dependable persons, dislike frivolous behavior, and admire people with artistic talent and those who can enrich your spirit.
Your entire life is like the stars, stable, secure, and without uncertainties. You are the most afraid to be covered by the dark cloud that reflects the down time of your life, during which you may be unappreciated, unaccepted, and face many unexpected obstacles. Although very painful, as long as you face these challenges, learn from others and do not complain or blame others, you will learn and grow, and then become the brightest star in the sky.
In romance, you are easily attracted to someone you admire in your heart, but you often end up empty-handed because you are too shy to go after him. Generally speaking, men do not have deep first impression of you, so they need time to discover your inner beauty.You, however, tend to like a person at the first sight, but not after a period of time. Therefore, if you are still waiting for a good romance, try to show your inner beauty by doing more activities, establishing better habits, and socializing with more people. This way you can express your inner beauty naturally all the time, which makes your romance go more smoothly.
In the journey of life, your romantic or marriage partner might be introduced by relatives and friends, or through matchmaking. You tend to be inexperienced in love, unable to actively pursue someone without being too sticky or giving up easily. You have opportunities but are afraid to get hurt, so eventually it is not easy for you to have the spark of love. If you are still seeking your love partner don't rush because someone nearby likes you, so as long as you sincerely give a little hint, the happiness is right beside you.
According to your destiny analysis, you know how to make money, but it is not easy for you to hold onto your money. Your life is more philosophical, so you are not stingy with yourself, family or friends. You spend what you have even you are financially tight, and are generous when you are financially comfortable. Because of this, it's not easy for you to save money. In addition, you may be convinced easily by friends to make investments that cause you to lose money. You like to make many friends, so you easily lose money if you cannot evaluate risk or reject people when they approach you for investment. You will spend most of your wealth doing things you want to do throughout life because you consider money spent as the wealth actually owned by you. Afterward, you will bequest most of your wealth to your descendants.

It is so damn long and I have skipped the health parts. I still spent my time to finish it up once I read the first paragraph. Just the little things in my life yet it is so true about me. And just a little workout for my fingers after so long time.