58

What else can I do to relief my stress and unhappiness besides posting new status on facebook? I know this action is seriously irrational but how can i express myself when it is so hard to find someone for you to talk to? Sometimes I will just randomly pick someone and just talk craps and complains, just anyone. In this case I just found myself, either too stress or I am just too generous to share my stories to others, who I not used to be. I am so helpless when everything is out of my control and I don't like the last minute job, seriously. When you can't cope with your assignment, why not you tell your groupmates earlier so that everyone can help? The due date is on friday and today you are like suddenly pop out and said "Please help me find and do the parts". Althought the 'please' is included, but I still couldn't accept it. This thing can be solved earlier. No updates from you so I thought and assumed that you have done the rest of the assignment. You said you were waiting for my parts and I thought my part was the last part as I submitted late. I apologize for the late submission, but suppose you update the group that so far what has not yet done. I was totally in full scheduled life now, my stuffs is going on plan by plan, I don't wish to have extra burden as I want to keep my academics on track. Last minute job is a total huge burden for me. When comes to the moment that I thought I could have a little rest, troubles might appeared. This is no longer the first time. I am so pissed off actually and yet I still have to keep calm and control my EQ, which I usually gave a punch on the wall. Do you know that when the moment you have to accept these things, how many feelings will rush to your brain, and how your brain needa manage it. It is really tiring. I couldnt scold you I couldnt kick you out of my group. Somehow you broke the rules of mine, and I no longer pay any trust on you. Since the beginning of this semester, when started doing assignment, I found that no one can be trusted, besides myself. None of you can do things that I required, not me, the assignment required. Those kindegarden things, dont you suppose know how to mange it?? The arrangement the margin, why you just highlight anything you like? Why you must add in those unnecessary parts??? Why why why?? Why can't you just follow exactly the rules?? Making all those non sense, end up you made my life busier.
Just hate the moment when I read your assignment. At first I thought was my prejudice on you and I was trying to avoid and accept your works. Now I can't even solve this problem when I am showering.

57

seeing those good food posted in the instagram, by those wealthy perhaps. starring at those picha, stomach starving, in the midnight. i'm thinking and missing home cooked food, i suddenly think of my mom pork meat char bee hoon. seems like had been a year over here, how many times i went back home a year, and how many times i can ever have my mom dishes. and also my granny, it seems like been years i never have a chance to have her dishes, after grandpa passed away.
lot of stuffs keep me thinking and worrying, the unfinished assignments and presentations drive me crazy.i'm urging to get started with my studies and revision, but what else? assignments come first. well now i couldnt find the information i needed in the assignment. im so frustrating. get myself headache and mood swing, what's the point? i'm so desperate to get a better sleep and rest, who knows a better time for me to rest turned out into nightmare, or maybe a exciting dreams perhaps. another space of mind in my head, should i say 'let my imagination go wild'? i should donate my brain after i die, to those doing research on myth of brain.

56

有时候,多想复制自己,多一个自己,至少不会孤单,不会寂寞。或许,哪天朋友都各奔职场, 忙了,没联系了。或许,哪天我累了,'她'会给我个拥抱,告诉我,至少,你有我。一个拥抱,足于千言万语。我,又曾几何时害怕寂寞,害怕一个人。你,每次都是我在联络你,回来了,有空了,也不陪我聊聊。是贪新忘久吗?

55

I got a feeling like, I gonna fail this semester. T^T

I've been in mess for few weeks, sicky face and messy face. I hate to interact with people in such condition. How can I make myself looks better?

54

为什么每晚都没完没了的发梦？梦，就算了，最近的，是噩梦。每每起不了床，要不然就打瞌睡。恨不得一枪毙掉自己的脑袋。现在变成，我不要睡觉。反正一睡着就发噩梦，有睡等于没睡，倒不如不用睡。差不多一个星期了，天天都这样子，上课又不能专心，很累啊!!!!!! 有没有人像我这样，睡觉睡到想哭，真的很无奈。睡觉也变成一种压力。T^T

53

What a sleepless night again. I'm now lying on my bed, rolling for an hour. Sweat covering my body, thoughts are floating in my mind. Recalled what had happenned to me the past few days, i had nightmares, 3 nights straight, i remember. i got shocked and scared in the dream, when i woke up i felt my heartbeat is getting weaker day by day. Remember that friday night i took the pill after i consulted doctor, thought will be sleeping well in the night, end up things turned upside down. The dreams were all night long, my head is going to explode. I got that feeling again, like i have been not sleeping for 2 days. I was so damn physically and mentally tired, and thanks god my heart is still beating. i was like dizzy all the day, heavy head and nausea. I slept again after i showered, until i was suddenly awake by another dream again, realised the time is almost 5pm. I forced myself to wake up, felt my face was numb. I decided to go for a jog, i need to sweat, but somehow the haze attacked again so i change my plan and i gone for cycling. Cycling is way more terrible than jogging, i felt so. Cycling did not make me sweat, at that moment strong wind hitting made me even harder to cycle. Well all these did not change my mood , still down and my face is still numb. After all I had a little chit chat with my aunty and made me felt a little better. The conversation i never planned to tell. I getting tired of myself and complaining myself to other but somehow i spoke to her. Went out in the midnight and kept on playing with my phone, until i got back home, grabbed a drink and played tetris, the moment i slept was 4 in the morning. Today i manage to wake up before the nightmare again. Weird dreams. Played badminton and finally i manage to spill my unhappiness through the shuttlecock. I found myself at the place i used to be, the happiest me. Well more to mention about is i got another surprise from my foundation friends for my birthday. The awkward moment was the time i just came out from the bathroom and i looked in mess. Although they are younger than me and some of them are not mature enough, i still like to be together with them because of their sillyness and being naive. It is bad to say that but it is true. I felt better today and got myself a little motivated. Just realised my academic in a mess, again. I will now pay my attention on my studies, still got alot to catch up. About that relationship, i dont want to talk much thou, just let it be. Study is more importance to me right now.
p/s: thanks all my friends who wished me for my birthday. Sadly i've forgotten to take the picture of presents.

I hate myself being emotional which i hardly controlled that and always escaped from the reality and truth. hello??? You're no longer a science student that you always failed to be. I hate myself being looked down by others. I hate myself that i always could not make it better. Why i'm forcing myself doing things that i dont like that i dont have to do so. I just wanted to go in front of my mom and tell her i wanted to quit. This is suffering. I couldnt make it as i got no balls to tell her. @.@ chicken.

- Just a random post in a sleepless night, nothing much.

52

Officially 21. Seems like a significant words to say when everyone comes to this age. 21, doesn't meant a lot to me. It does not change my life, does not change my appearance, does not change my attitude, just a symbolic number to show that I'm getting older. Haha. Nothing more but I've had a party. The last birthday party before the 21st birthday party was 12 years old party. Not a really good day for me since I was sitting for mid term which killed me and still, I'm rushing back all the way from Kampar to Penang and being late for the party. That is sucks! My friends, all of them were like so excited about their 21st birthday but mine, I got no special feeling, sincerely. I don't feel any happiness or excitement where I used to have in the back few years. Well, got myself into troubles again. I am so demotivated and I wish I could sleep and knock out all the day so I won't have to know what's going on around me. I stayed up late recently, for no reason. Damn dark circle, damn sicky face, damn blur face, damn empty brain. Everyday attended the classes I supposed to turn up, sat there, empty mind and soul, trying to catch what's the alien language is it, the words were like "going into the left ear but come out from the right ear". Damn alcoholic, wish to be drunk all the time. I'm not a good daughter, not a good friend, not a good girl friend, not a good person, perhaps.