The end of year 2011

Everything has came to the end, 10 more hours to go, new year is coming. I wonder why, I can't even passed the last 2 days of 2011 happily. Seriously I hope so, but my small little heart has been hurt again. Early in the morning, mom started to scold and nag until I am awake, and listened to the stupid non sense which is not real facts. I don't know why I take it seriously, it's not the true fact. Just one thing that I did wrongly and everything started to blame on me. I was half awake, listening to those craps, I knew I couldn't stand it, I forced myself to get into sleep, but I can't. The words are like knives and scissors, cutting and picking out my veins, heart started to bleed. The damn true fact is, they never admit their mistakes, and never apologies. Sometimes they knew that they were wrong, they trying to do something to put it back, but just they will never say sorry, and I never heard that before. Sorry, the largest and hardest word to say, so am I. I thought I might have better mood after i quit the job, in fact I'm not but turned out getting worst. Yesterday, saw the picture that I not suppose to see, think twice again the decisions I've made, I beg I won't regret later. And yet, someone did appeared in my dreams, every dreams, I really miss her so much. I never approach her again, still I can't over it, just keep it as memories. Dude, thanks for listening, I appreciate that. I wish I can skip these 2 days, I was like living in hell, I am very sad. Mum and dad, you know, sometimes what I think, you don't know, the trauma I did had before over there. I felt being left out sometimes. Whenever you scolded, not to help mum, the memories are like pictures, flashing back in my mind, and made my day misery, you know? This is a thing I can't tell, the biggest secret of mine. I felt like leaving from here, I have no places belong to, I wish I can own a room, a house. This is my future, and I gonna to achieve that. Staying away from the days, nagging and scolding, by the false truths, I eager to have my house, leaving you all. It is not my fault, every time, you don't care how people feels, what you wanted is to find something to release your tensions, me and brother became your target, the listener and the victims. When you found you've hurt me either he, you are late. I don't feel like talking to you today, so I shall keep myself shut. Shut my mouth, or my brain, whatever. You did messed up the things, but you put the blames on me. Fine, I will just move my stuffs out from your place, and see who is the one messing up the things. Wonder girls can cry, but I can't. Whenever I started to cry, I'll get migraine. And great, now I had it. STUPID! So this is my 2011 ending. I HATE IT! 

Wrong attitudes

Before saying others, I shall point out mine first! Well, very sorry that I don't keep my promise. That I promised I will work until the end of the January, but I just can't make it. My attitude problem. I don't like the people over there, I don't like the working atmosphere over there, it's like sincerely, you guys are sucks man!!! What kind of attitudes you guys having?? All the works are like shit! If i were the boss, I will fire you all, for sure! When the customers are looking and searching for the staffs, they are just talking and joking around. I can't work in this kind of environment, it will ruin my working attitude as well. My major problem, and I felt so sorry upon the manager, I didn't keep my promise. I claimed myself, I did my best when I'm working, but I don't know what they thought about. I think my reputations were ruined since today, I wished I never step into there again. Hoping that they will provide better services after all. It's non of my business. If I was the customer, I will just walk away from that shop without consideration. Back to my attitude, I really got to change it, never ever pamper yourself anymore. You are no longer a student, you are a worker. In school you might be everything but now you are nothing. Everything start from zero. I really really gotta learn that. Another good news, I got a job as a project assistant! Thanks god! And finally I got a job that I've even wanted and begging for. High salary and office hours, I'm satisfied. But I am not going to attend the aquatic course. Rather wasted the 300 bucks instead of losing a great opportunity. I felt sorry to Faye and John. I promised to be their driver. And Faye must be very angry about that. Just sorry. I just felt so guilty. Gosh! How many times I gotta have the feelings in a week? But some how I still wish that I am able to attend the course, it is still my dream, wearing the lab coat and doing experiment in the lab. Sigh. I always can't plan things properly. When they come together, just gotta grab one, cannot be greedy. Just pick one that I felt it is the most important, and never regret for it. I hope I can learn a lot of things from that job, and I looking forward to it. It is like so exciting, I can't wait for it. Oh another thing, neighbor's house is undergoing renovation, I can't stand the noise. Since 8.00am in the morning, it is living in hell, feeling like my house is going to collapse. I felt the floor is shaking, like earthquake. Thinking of places to go, where can I be? Felt like homeless now. I just wish that I can sit in Borders, with a book and a cup of coffee, relaxing. =)

My days after STPM

I am doing great job now. After STPM, I started my journey of life. By having the good beginning, I must have the right attitude. I started online business. Imma selling CNY cookies right now. Click for more information, and also find June's hut on blogspot. Haha. Please support me. This is my first business, I might bring it up soon, becoming a big company. Lol. At the same time, I am now working at Queensbay Mall. Kinda boring job. Stand there and do nothing. Zzz. Anyway, I learnt quite a lot of things, today was just my first day. Well, I will be very busy recently. Some how, I still have to read some books, I found I got no time. Once I got the time, I might playing games. Recent addict, the tetras battle on Facebook. It just drive me crazy. I played until i got my fingers cramped. LMAO! Hope everything getting well, and thanks for those friends who bought the cookies from me, thanks for your support. xoxo.

Big spender

Yeah, I'm back to english. Can't type fast in chinese. Well, it's already 1.35am. Finally I bought court shoes! And yea, it's asics. I jumped out from my box, no longer choosing Nike. Anyhow, my first choice was still Nike, but it's hard to find Nike court shoes anymore. The patterns are sucks! The colors are awful! Wuak. Then I chooses asics. It is a nice brand tho. Is it a nice shoe? I gotta try it and test it tomorrow. Hehe. Well, it costs me RM199. No less. The first saving i spent after I saved it for months. Paid by debit card. And there goes "sssppp", money gone, within a second. Fast right? I saved money for months but I spent it within 5 minutes. No matter how, utilizes the uses of it, and it will be worthy. Ones the thing belongs to me, I keep it and protect it as long as I can, until it seriously spoil. Just bought a new sport shoes, I realized my running shoes is about to spoil, too! I think I should try other brands instead of Nike only. Next running shoes I gonna buy from Sketchers. A brand new brand. The price is much more expensive than Nike, but the features are totally different. Not only for running, but for tone up and shape up. The shape of the bottom of the shoe is curved, likely a boat. It's specially designed to shape up our body, and t support our body. Foot are the most important part of the body. A slightly different or injuries, will affect your body especially your back bones. Opps. Seems like I'm promoting the shoes. I shall stop the topic here. I talked too much, too much to share. And then, err hmm, here comes my planning again. Tones of plans. Here I found a part time course of design: residential design. It's a part time course, starting from January, every monday to thursday, 7.30pm-9.30pm, 3 months time. The fees of the course would be RM2300. I wonder should I try?? The closing date for intake is 31th of December. Means I gotta decide soon. I have another biotech course, starting from 4th- 10th January. I'm kinda busy after all. I'm just thinking of should I continue science stream or I just switch to design. But anyhow my greatest interest is science. Hmmm. RM2300.... Not a big amount tho... Considering... Any ideas??? 

完毕

终于考试结束，也可说是我结束了高中生涯。就要步进大学了。Pa 我真的没读到。太棒了！！成绩出炉就好看了。管他及格或不及格。就这样的结束了。心里莫名的开心。也许我知道，我推测，我进不了大学。无所谓，我有办法，继续我的学业。有知识并不代表能面对考试啊。我讨厌考试。虽然说是测验你的学习能力，我是不合格的，但我有我的道理，我明白我读过的东西，就好了，但事实并非如此。算了。我不想进本地大学。说不定，不及格了，好让我更容易交代。我不介意重考，我只要弄清楚自己的目标。

是时候

是时候，又来更新了。夜渐深，对着电子书，打打敲敲着那平面板，科技就如此发达，平面板渐变普通，替代了凸出的键板。戴上耳机，听着那喜爱的歌曲，如此的享受。发现自己的华语退步了很多，拼音很多都拼错了。想当年，我的华语还不赖，可是要保持住那水平啊。坐着，玩游戏，发呆，游戏输了。游戏输了，没关系，从新开始，人生可不能。人们常说，戏如人生，人生如戏，我可大大的不赞同。人生不是戏。每个人生是自己写照的，主角只有一个，就是自己。而我们看的戏里，主角通常不止一个。我的人生，其他人不过是配角，有些甚至是过客。想想，不对。最近跟了李嘉诚的面子书，他说的话对觉得很有道理。其中一句，我还记住，也是我今日的座右铭，时时警惕自己。＂成功其实并不难，只有两步，第一步是开始，第二步是坚持。＂对啊，其实并不难，但世界上，有几个人有如此的意志力？那些成功的，家喻户晓的人物，一出生就成功的吗？他们背后的辛酸，谁知道？只有自己知道。我，就是爱读激励人心的话，却不懂的行动。接下来的，就是比尔盖茨，还有那。。。忘了叫什么名，是股票王，身价与身家都赢比尔盖茨。他们的兴趣大大不同，两家在行领域更扯不上关系，更不用说有同样的话题，但他们却能谈得没完没了。他们的成功语录：＂focus＂。那股票王，除了会投资，什么都不会了。他们会成功，因为他们专注。我想，我是时候放下那些没必要的兴趣，专注在我最在行的领域了吧。至少，我以后有一份专业的职业。20岁了，该定性了。我想暂时不要打工了。我想要读书。别想太多，是课外读物。我想充实自己，我知道的东西太少了。常常觉得，我就像个空壳，什么都不会。其实我买了很多书刊还没读，是时候读了。我觉得，充实自己最重要，为自己做好准备。也是时候，该想想下一步棋该怎么走了。真的要继续科学吗？真的要转设计吗？都有风险。就让我重拾和充实后再做决定吧。
还有，不久前，在面子书读到了一句：单身久了，不懂得如何爱别人。大概就这样的意思吧。我习惯了单身，习惯了没有约束的生活，自由自在。谢谢你的关心，但我不习惯，我觉得压力，感觉被扣着，失去自由。我不想事事报告，我不习惯，不喜欢。对不起，辜负了你的好意。我希望我们还是朋友。还有，对不起我对你的冷漠，我不懂如何回复你，也不想回复，对不起。记得我问过你，你有读完我的部落格吗？如果你有读完，我是想告诉你，其实是我的问题。你很好，真的。但我不想我的问题给你带来长期的伤害。你明白我的意思吧？除了对不起，我不懂还能说些什么。还是对不起。。。

放空

我的脑袋一片空白，做math paper2的练习，一题都不会。我很无助。今天的考卷，说难不难，但我不会做。可不可以不要出这种不难不易的题目，把我吊在半空中，我很辛苦。我不能说我会做，也不能说不会做，就不能了然地说会或不会。我的心真的痛，很痛。考试考到心碎，又辛酸。想哭，但又哭不出。我告诉自己不可以哭。哭了又能怎样？哭了就能拿A喔？看着考卷，我真的很无助。最后两张，我还撑得下吗？我很后悔，不做第六题，那一题我会，我很后悔没有看matrix，我以为我会了。分数白白不见。38%肯定没了，扣掉那些做错的，50%有吗？我要的东西得不到了。没希望了。。。。。。。

我的A没了。。。

折磨

别小看考试，它把我折磨得彻彻底底。一觉醒来，看看镜子里头的，不是人，是僵尸。无需化妆品，天然无加工。深深的黑圆圈，苍白的嘴唇，无血色的脸。。。那一天不睡觉，到今天还是很累。终于考完bio和chem。无需多说，A是不可能了，只盼望bio能pass，chem能B。刚刚考bio paper 1，考之前突然想哭。考的时候一把火，想把考卷烧掉。我想我疯了。我很怕，明天考数学考到哭，毕竟我最把握的一科。我要数学拿A。我现在要休息一下，等下继续练习好了，我的脑太多东西的，头开始疼了。

世界末日

Title有点夸张，但是真的啦。等一下考两张papers叻，不末日才怪。谁叫我不努力，整个下午在看戏，现在凌晨1•15，看我怎样死。我不睡觉啦。等下8.00 bio paper 2,说真的，我真的没动到。我怀疑自己，到底是真的喜欢bio吗？突然觉得Chem比bio容易，因为不用背奇奇怪怪的名字。不写了，我不惜减七年的生命，换来我最后一天的拼命。说实在，我现在很累，但如果我睡觉，我会对不起自己一生。今天before考chem paper 1，紧张到胃痛。妈妈call来，问情况如何。就告诉她紧张到胃痛。她叫我不要紧张，尽力就好。驾着车，听到这么温馨的话，差点飙泪，但也很对不起，我没尽力。要不是回想你说过的话，我现在已放弃，睡觉去了。我太感性了，这是遗传，哈哈。有时候父母的一句话，已经是我最好的鼓励与精神。谢啦。读书去。愿我把两本bio都能读完。

原来

突然有点感触，刚刚和家人吃了晚餐。姨姨要买鞋，就去鞋店。东挑西挑，要买的是高跟鞋。我也帮忙看了几眼。爸爸突然问我：＂不要买一双吗？＂他指的是高跟鞋。＂我已经有了啊。＂他有点惊讶。＂就上去prom night要穿，就买了一双。" 原来他不知道他的女儿已经会穿高跟鞋。说得也是，我身上不是运动装就是休闲装，脚上的不是球鞋就是拖鞋。他从来没看过我化妆穿裙的样子。嗨。我已经好久没和他住在一起了。还有彼此的了解吗?有点纳闷。自从有了新家，他就搬去那边住了。以前偶尔会去那边住，但是现在已没了。自从六年级，就没住在一起了。现在去新家，掀开衣柜，都是以前六年级至中二的衣服吧。这就是我每次提起后，别人觉得我的家庭很怪吗？我每次都没注意，反正我没放在心上，我还是一样幸福。也许习惯了没有他的陪伴，才会常想独自有个屋子吧。是遗传吗？我想他还有很多我不知道的事，我也有很多他不知道的事。我只知道，从我出生到现在，他爱我就是事实，我还是很幸福。 ＼(^o^)／ xoxo. ILY.

Party

I just came home from zi Wei's 19th birthday party. Thanks for treating us to red box. Feel so cheerful with all my beloved friends, we have been 2 years never seen each other since the high school graduation. Well, flash backed to my high school life, thanks them who been through together with me, especially those friends been apart for sometimes, last, we are still friends. Some were friends but went come to the obstacles, they will just leave you to face the problem alone. I really appreciate my friends who always be my side, we've been cheers together, we've been cried together, we grown together. Sincerely, grateful to have you all, that's enough for me, I don't pray for more. This party is just the right time, although some of us are sitting for STPM. Thinking how much time can we spend together? We've been spending time together since form 1, until now. Imaging if everyone of us, going and fighting for our future, who is still by your side? All of us living our own life. I'm just sad when it came across my mind. I barely, hardly, sadly, to leave you all, or you leave me. You will know who's the real friends. I've been through when came into form 6. Although form 6 is only one and a half year, but I just felt like I've been more than 2 years, just can't imaging that what I've been through. Once again, look at the photos, I really miss the moment that we are together. Well, I hope that the trip after STPM can successfully held, the last time we can spend together I think. After all, most of you guys are going to KL. At this moment I just hope I'm Peter pan that live in Neverland, or Netherland? I don't remember, just wish the time stop. In fact it can't, life going on. Anyway, once again happy birthday to zi Wei again, wish you can get at least B for all your subjects, pass is not enough yay. Hahaha. Hope all of us get good results. I never know I've spend half day with you all, until my mom called, I wish to spend more time with you guys. We are laughters. I think I'm as happy as the birthday girl, or even happier. Really a great day. Love you guys. Xoxo

甜点

心情不好，来些甜点吧。=)

草莓始终是我的最爱

不懂为什么，小时候已吃就爱上它。第一次吃的时候就在金马伦。吃了，觉得很幸福。甜甜又酸酸，让人皱了眉却同时甜了心房。就是那种幸福感。但那种感觉吃不回来了。也许那种幸福感是天真无瑕的时候才能吃出来。小时候告诉妈妈时，妈妈还讲我傻的。我对一个事物的看法，从没有人了解。也许该说我的看法独特，没人了解。这就是我所谓的艺术。哈哈。但今天吃不到草莓，算了，就吃巧克力吧。昨天做了小番茄加巧克力，不错，只是手艺不到家，没法让人看了想吃的感觉。自己开心就好。我，现在需要很多甜点。何时再能吃到那幸福的草莓？　

心情突然变得低落。不懂为什么，太多东西想了。算了，还是不写吧。等考完试了再说。我不想影响你的情绪，毕竟考试比较重要。好好读吧，你是个有前途的。就别管我了，任由我放纵，毕竟我好像还不懂死字怎么写。加油吧。

Housefly

Housefly. Ya I am talking about myself. After sat for the PA paper 2, I felt like I had finished my exam. Slacking around at home at playing iPad. Can't stop playing that. Hell, bought it at the wrong time. I saw some guys status stated that they're going to college after stpm. Hmmm... I'm hesitating where to go? My future is still a midst. With my damn dumb attitude. My future is still a midst, shall think that after results come out. Well, today I made my favorite dessert- baby tomato covered by chocolate. I discovered something. When chocolate started to melt, and at certain temperature, it couldn't melt anymore, which consider as overheat. I was using cooking chocolate, and, chocolate is oily!!! You'll never know until you wash the dishes, much more oily then normal food. And my skill is not good enough. The chocolate can't condensed nicely on the tomato. Anyway, my family members like it. I'm happy enough. =] I'm easy to satisfy right? I have waited for day to make the dessert. I waited my mom to buy the nice tomato from market. Real big enough, I can't finish in a bite. After all I have to continue study my biology and chemistry. Lots of stuff to memorize. Well, PA paper 2 had declared dead. I can't finished in time! Hell no!!! The last time I'm doing this paper and this is the first time I can't finish in time. And I knew I had an essay wrote wrongly. Imaging the whole paper will come out with all TR TR TR!!!! I'll cry-to-death. Is that possible to get A for PA? I hope I still can get it.
*oh hell I don't know how to post my photo from iPad. T.T shall keep the baby tomato in my stomach. XP

I AM SO NERVOUS!!!!!!

DAMN I'M FREAKING NERVOUS RIGHT NOW!!!! Asthma please don't attack me tomorrow. I shall prepare gastric pills. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

Stuff list

Here here here came my stuff list!!! I'm so excited about it. Well, these are the things I must get it. Probably I'll get it next year. 

1. ipod nano (RM499)

2. Guitar (RM300)

3. Headphone (RM200)

4. Court shoe (RM200)

That is my budget. I won't get the things higher price than this. Well, Zw said wanna go travel to overseas. If the I go with the plan, the first one will be TRAVEL! Hahahaha. My love. I just like to go travel. But alone or with friends. I think I will take a long time to stay at the place. To observe, and enjoy of course. Overseas??? Where to go??? I wanna go Singapore, I wanna go London, I wanna go Paris, I wanna go New York. Omg!!! Can't stop thinking of it. You'll find I like to go to cities. I'm urbanized. <3

<3

Dreams

Sincerely, how can I stop my brain from dreaming when sleeping? I totally have no idea how to solve this problem. It annoyed me, ruined my daily life, seriously. STPM is getting nearer and nearer, and my damn stupid idiot brain, cannot get enough of rest and cannot study as well. What I do that make me concentrate, the only thing, math. Just work out my brain by doing math, again and again. Somehow I just can't sit still and study. I have no idea why it's happening on me. Even I woke early and went to school, I can't get myself better. Backed home, about to take a 30 minutes nap, ended up by dreaming again and I took 3 hours nap. And waking up with  more tiring brain. All the dreams, are simple and real, all about my living life. Sometimes I just confused, I thought I did that before, but it's not real; I thought I never did before, but in fact I did. Crap! What I'm talking about?? Anyway, I wished that STPM is not getting nearer but it cannot be dreams anymore. I hope that I can have peace night, don't ever wish me "night, sweet dreams", NEVER! It is a myth. Scientist can't tell that why human dreams and the type of dreams that they dreams. Or maybe I left out something? Shall do a research after my exam. Now FOCUS! I feel like slapping myself all the time. The reason why I update and came out with this article, I felt unhappy, I felt lonely, I felt depressed, I felt sad. I felt unhappy because there are many things making me frustrated, I felt lonely because I hope I can have a talk with them but they are not on the line, I felt depressed because I cannot study right now, I felt sad because all of the reasons bringing me down. DAMN! I just want to be a robot. No feeling, just do what you plan. That's it.

Nice robot, like it. <3

Dr. Dre headphone

Monster Game® T1 Daft Punk Limited Edition Over-Ear Electronic Music Headphones -

I've been crazy that I can't stop thinking to get Dr. Dre headphone. It's a dream for me to get one. It's easy to get but I can't afford to get one. So it still a dream. Look at this headphone, it's so cool, isn't it??? Like it so much. Guess what? It costs $349.95. I think it's about RM1100. Plus those taxes, how much will it costs??? Well, just dream.

June

JUNE =FINEASS
Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takesrep pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
What do you think about that? =)

精神寄托

把面子书关掉了，前几天埋怨着生活的无趣。因为脚受伤，哪里都去不了。直到前几天，闷慌了，一直发牢骚，还好朋友的到来，陪伴我。就算不是很长的时间，但总觉得满足。也许当时的精神用在他们陪伴我吧。他们走了，我又闷慌了。游戏玩腻了，不喜欢看电视，面子书没了。朋友借我一本书，读着读着，时间过得快多了。那本书不错，一本激励人心的书。我这几天在想，我往年都把精神寄托在电脑里了。电脑变成了我最最要好的伙伴。我开心时，找它；我伤心时，找它；我烦恼时，找它；我睡不着时，找它。由它，我的时间会好过一些。我就沉迷在那幻想世界里，与现实社会的抗拒，让我更沉迷在那网络花花世界里。庆幸的是，我在那花花世界还很清醒，没被骗财骗色，更没在网络上交那些不知名不知脸的人物。我的精神就一直在那电脑里，直到这几天，精神恢复‘正常’。读了书，心灵有了滋润，心情自然好起来。读一些书刊，远远好过整天躲在那花花世界里玩捉谜场。现在虽然还是避免不了那种上网的欲望，但终于克服得了。我的生活部闷了，还有书本的陪伴。愿我在书本与书刊读物的陪伴成长，壮大知识，开窍我的头脑，发掘我得才能。有书真好。=)

永无止境的知识来源

The 4th day

Today is the 4th day my foot injured. Damn, I'm so bored and I can't go anywhere. And I have no idea what's wrong with my stupid phone that I can't receive single message from my friends. I deactivated my facebook and I was like totally lost contact with the world. I'm bored!!! I can't stop playing PSP although I have deactivated facebook. Indeed, I wish the incident was a dream but in fact it's real. I accidentally kicked my foot last night. OUCH! Damn hurt. ='( It still swollen and look awful. Yucks. I can't do anything as I can't walk, I can't jog, I can't run but only jumping. I jump faster than I walk. But it's very tiring. After all I think I'll build up my right leg muscle and fit thigh. I felt the pain on the wound and stitches because I don't take Panadol today. So instead of walking, I'm jumping today. I think I will have big butt pretty soon as I just keep on sitting but not moving. I just can't sit still. I'm BORED!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How long I still have to suffer this??? By the way, time to study. No more games. ='(

Injury

I went to practice monkey run after school yesterday, together with my classmate Jonathan. My toes were crushed by machine and luckily there's no bone fracture. Skin tissues torn and had been sew. Now I just can't walk because I can't step properly on the ground. I have to jump like kangaroo. It's so tiring jumping here and there to move and I sweat a lot. I can walk but very slow, I rather jump than walk. And just sad because I felt sorry to my parents. I'm just like a black sheep, all the bad lucks are on me. Last year, bitten by dog, and bleed like hell, and this time, crushed by machine, bleed like hell too! I was there and shouting like no body business, I knew everyone was looking at me. It's so damn pain. My mom asked me, did you cry when your toes was crushing into the machine? The answer is nope. And yes it's true, I don't cry for that pain. I cried in the hospital and the nurse thought I was in pain but actually I cried because I felt so sorry to my parents. I made them worry. Indeed, I felt myself is a burden to them. My mom said me 'ban pui' (in hokkien) then I don't really know what it means. She said when I was a child, I'm different with other children. When the doctor going to give injection to me, I don't cry, not as other children, my mom said. The other children, included my brother, cried loudly. I said that's good. *feeling of proud. But my mom said not good. I still don't understand why she said that but anyway, now I just have to concentrate and utilize my 9 days MC. Great, now I can't go anymore and my parents happy for that, because the are going overseas soon. Sigh. I just don't understand why all these unlucky things happened on me. I've been bitten by dog, I've been crushed by machine, what else I not yet been through? I shall look forward and wait for it. 

Personalities

A split personality is when a person can be two different personalities at one time. On occasion they can appear nice, helpful, a good friend or even a good lover and without warning they could become selfish, arrogant and cruel. They flip back and forth between the two personalities.


I went to take a career test due to my personality. Well, same situation again. I got 2 distinct personalities. It's alright if anyone have 2 or more personalities but when it comes to 2 distinct personalities, it's really hard to identify what field I have to choose. Even the counselor got shocked and terrified and she said, why so hard? Haha. She asked me to come back after 6 months time. She said it's normal if the people like age of mine having 2 personalities, but I'm urging to find out who really I am and where I belongs to. The counselor said, after STPM, I should sit and calm myself, asking myself deeply, who am I. I think I asked myself for many times, ended up with no answer. *Knocking, hello, anyone inside? Lol. I'm urging, I really want to know. I'm like crazy doing research and information on split personalities and I think the definition I've found above is just same when comes to my situation. But split personalities redirects as dissociative identity disorder, which the symptoms is nothing related to my situation. Another thing I've found: Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is a fairly common effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. People suffering from such disorders indulge in daydreaming or get lost in the moment while working on a project. It is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self. I think it is quite true as I had trauma in my childhood. It's nothing related to STPM. 42 days to go. But I really want to know who exactly I am. I shall look into the mirror and start to ask myself everyday. 

单身潜逃

突然，脑袋出现了这首歌的旋律。也许，代表着我现在的心情吧。你说，我没办法一天不联络他。我也很干脆，想想，这是很不错的提议。如果，我忍不住，就代表我真的喜欢了，没有，那就算了。我告诉他，两天不联络。看吧，我的心情会是怎样。今天的心情，其实是很开心，很兴奋，我也不懂为什么。现在的心情有点沉重了。=)

放空着

今天又是平静的一天。不是普通的平静，而是心里异常的平静。无疑，最近就是在烦那些事。首先，就是学业，第二，就是感情。学业嘛，就是一落千丈，没救了。现在只等死。我想是不是我当初决定是个错误。想想，我又给自己改了计划。以前都在说，只给自己两条路，一是科学，二是美术，没有了。现在，想了又想，要不让转行吧。就读生意。毕业后，半工半读。这是计划之一。但依我对自己的了解，执行的几率，达不到50%。因为到现在我也一样不是很喜欢。时间会改变一个人。我就是爱钱爱疯了，所以我为了钱而执行也不稀奇。看着办吧。没错，时间改变了我。短短1年半，我觉得改变不少吧。至少比较成熟了。看回去年的照片，我被吓了一跳。那是我吗？看看去年的自己，眼神是那么的单纯？不是说样貌的改变，而是感觉。我对我自己的感觉变了，我看着自己变了。别人说都一样，但我怎觉得不一样？算了，变就变，但以回不到从前的日子了。说不定哪更好呢？哈哈。接下来，就是感情。恭喜我吧，终于都有感情问题了。我常引以为傲的，就是我没感情问题，不用烦，现在‘有排烦啦’。呼~ 我到底是怎样？自己的感情都不明白，不了解。是不是就那么被伤了一次，就没办法喜欢上别人了？被人爱，多好。我感受到，他的爱，比我当时的喜欢还要深。我对他的感觉就是不一样，那是喜欢吗? 我知道，我很自私。我渴望接受你的爱，但我的爱没办法想你的爱那么深。我可以接受，但我不想欺骗你的感情。也许这是我仅剩的良知吧。我的感觉，到底是怎样，我还不清楚。是因为我可怜你吗？我很害怕，我对你的感觉，对你的好感，对你的喜欢，是不是因为我可怜你。还有5天。5天。5天。看着办吧。希望不会是我的自私，我可怜你，才接受你吧。今天的心情和脑袋有放空一天。

Good morning

Good morning everyone, I got hot chocolate in my mug. Enjoying.

This is not my mug. XD

No doubt, I skipped school today. I just felt that I need a rest. That's all. My heart and my mind are getting tired and tired. It's like a disease with no cure. The negative thinking poisoned my body. Well, after prom, after relay for life, I'm setting free, and it's the time to fight. I went for PA seminar yesterday, in Wawasan Open University. I was acting like a stupid maniac, because I thought that: Wow, finally I get into University. It's just for a seminar okay??? Sigh. Back to the point, I felt that the note and the speakers helped me a lot, although I felt asleep at a certain moment. =X Micheal Ng is a very great speaker, and he gave us a lot or motivations. At the beginning of the seminar, he leaded us to sing a song, The Reason.

I heard this song before, repeated by the radio, but I don't know the song's name. Now I knew. After that, the seminar began. Before the seminar ended, the last 20 minutes, he motivated us with telling us some real stories of his ex-students, and also shouted some slogans. Sigh. Did I motivate? No. I'm just like a stubborn hard rock - cannot be moved! I hate, I don't like myself, being so discourage. He said prove to those looking down at you, blah blah blah. I'm burst, tears coming out. Ya, I felt I'm stupid at that time, just like a crying maniac. Concentrate and focus can make miracle. Is that true? Or just a crap to motivate us. He said a boy start to fight at last 60 days, end up he scored 4As. Now is the time to study without understanding, as long as you can get answer. LOL. Well, I think this one is the most specific and true one. "Every second and minute counts" Instead of talking non sense, I shall leave here right now. 

P/s: I'm addicted to Internet seriously, anyone who see me on the line please ask me to get out from here. =(

Prom 2011

Well well well, finally here comes the night. Everyone waited for so long time, and finally, everything ends. It was a very busy Friday, I'm tired but I don't even have a chance to take a nap. Heading to salon at 3.00pm, right after school. Unpleasant incident happened. What can i say? That's my fault, and it's true, money do hurts relationship. After all, I don't really like myself in makeup. Looks very weird. Everyone said I'm different, and they can't recognize me. I should proud of that or sad? Hahaha. And heels, killing me! But made me 'grow' taller for a night. I'm satisfied.

U6Sc1 models. 

School family

Friends

Bestie, thank you for being my companion to get all my stuff done.

My lucky draw gift

Guess what? This is the first time I won a lucky draw, but look at what I get? A welcome dog. Kinda sarcastic. Nothing much to say. I had a surprise on that night and I even felt that I'm still dreaming right now. Anyway, I'll try to go on my own way. Will get this fix before my exam. Too many things to explain. I wished you understand. =)

Nobody's perfect

Yes, indeed, nobody's perfect. I liked this song, so much. I'm still turning myself into the perfect one, but I drown at the same time while pushing myself to the way of perfect. 50 days to go for STPM. Everyone saying I can make it, but I don't think I can. I'm scared. Really really scare. Such a coward. I don't felt like going anywhere, just leave me alone. Tomorrow is my prom night, why don't I feel excited, anymore? I lose faith in the event, anyway, the main problem is me, nobody else. As I said, I don't felt like going anywhere as I don't actually want to attend. Since I've paid and bought everything. I've been so upset. I think there's pretty long time I don't cry for my result, is not actually crying, just tears drop, who knows? Who knows the pain and the faith inside me? Who knows the facts I really facing? Who knows what's the problems that I need to go through? Who knows??? Nobody knows. Everyone thought I was joking, playing and fooling around all the time, even exam is coming nearer and nearer. I keep telling myself: Yes, you can make it. Is that just a lie to myself? Helping myself to get through the tough days? No, in fact it's opposite. Yes, I'm fooling around everyday, who wants to show and see your sad face everyday? I'm really having troubles and there's lot of problems disturbing me. Yes yes yes! It's true, I'm not happy at all. I'm sick of everyone keep asking whether I'm okay. I want to be fine as you wished! My stupid brain can't stop thinking the non sense. It's actually not non sense, that's my problems. and troubles. I'm not okay I'm not okay. Am I suppose to tell you all that? Am I? Should I? No one can be trusted. I've been acting like TNT and I'm explosive. So I'm danger and keep out from me. 

Movies marathon

Planned to have movies marathon but failed actually. The time crushed, but still manage to watch 2 movies today. The ticket price increased? I don't really know about that until today I bought it at RM11, kinda expensive. 1st movie: Abduction

Starred by Taylor Lautner

Ya, he's the one played the 'shark kid' in the Spy Kid many years ago, when I was in primary school. I remembered that because he's handsome and cute since he's a child when starred the Spy Kid, and he's cool! I'm just kinda admire him. And today he's a muscular handsome man, was Taylor Swift boyfriend. Anyway, just nothing to do with me. But his face looks immature, still got the kid looks. Ya, he isn't old, still a teenager. The movie is just 'so-so' for me and I think not really interesting. All the parties trying to get the top secret as Nathan is just a innocent guy. Blah blah blah. Alright, the 2nd movie: Bridesmaids

Starred by old ladies???

Well, because of queuing to buy popcorn, I missed out the front part. I think all the characters played in the movie, were having attitude problems. Among friends, jealousy, overwhelming and trying to show that they are the best one. Dar~ I don't like this, if I was the bride. The movie was about friendship the most. Most of the sentences contained 'fucking' which caused the movie has been 18PL/SX-ed? Haha. And almost talking about sex. =.=..... The funniest thing in the movie was the wedding dress. That's funny because it made the bride looks like cake! Haha.

Well, I don't feel any better after watching the movies. Anyway, thanks Pei Yong and Lingyin who accompanied me for the movies. We're going to declare bankrupt pretty soon. =(

P/s: Yi Mei asked me to mention her in my blog which I have nothing to write on her. Just to mention, LOKE YI MEI, I felt annoyed and irritated that you keep 'like-ing' all my wall posts. =((((

Fed up

Currently felt fed up to myself. What the hell is going on? I'm almost on the way to hang myself. Is that something wrong? I felt very tired and gonna fall sleep just in any moment. Today I'm late to school. My math paper started at 7.45am. Luckily Wen Hui called me which the call woke me up. Thanks a lot or else I'm gonna miss the paper. Just pretty tired no matter how much I rest. Seasick?? LOL. Dizzy for days and felt like I'm on a ship, with great storm. My mom said maybe caused by my blood pressure. Daaa~ Low blood pressure? Even when I look into myself in the mirror, ya, that's a ghost, totally pale and white. =.= Anyway, don't tease me or being sarcastic to me. I'm totally not in mood recently. I don't know what will I do after all. I just wanna box and fight. Kinda explosive bomb, TNT, whatever. Just don't drive me crazy. Thank you.

心理障碍

还是过不了自己那一关。再次打击了我。不懂如何再去面对。不想考了。。。

Has been a while

Has been a while I left here. I got many things to share here actually but, the moment I clicked on new post, I felt like not posting an article anymore, I felt insecure. STPM coming nearer and nearer. I was thinking, I'm not able to finish and complete my study. Dreams diminished. Sitting for trail yet playing games all the time. I still can't get rid the bad habits of mine. Today sat for MUET paper 4, I'm really a jerk. What the hell on earth I'm doing?? Screw myself. I done question 1 in only 20 minutes which the suggested time was 40 minutes. That's not a good sign. Finished before time doesn't mean I know, doesn't mean to get good grade for sure. Question 2: "If it's claimed that parents know best as far as careers concerned." Understand? I can't really get it but the points and answers that I was doubting about is true and correct. But what I did? Writing shit and craps on the paper. I wonder, will teacher understand what I was writing about? Even myself don't understand what I'm writing. Too less confidence. I not dare to take the challenge. So I regret after that. I just can't balance my confidence. It's either no confidence at all, or over confidence. I drove, the 3rd day, I scratch on people's car. What happen on me? I'm very confidence of my driving skills. But after that happened, I lost it. I was stressed out  when I drive everyday. Sucks. I need it. Especially in exam, I don't wish it happen again. I can make it better, I knew, but when can I make it and take it? Guess what? I read a news, which is about a girl got scholarship and overboard, going to study heart surgery in Cambridge. So what's the special? The only thing is, she's only 14! I was terrified! What the??? What I was doing when I'm 14???  

Human emotion cannot be told without the eyes. True?

Study smart or hard?

Well, second test is over. I failed to keep my promises to myself. I think I probably fail again in every subject except for MUET only. This time, the questions are set easy, but I still can't answer. Why? Because I don't well-prepared. No one to blame but myself. It is my character to be a joker and looked down by others. The negative thinking cells filled up my body from time to time. It's not about pressure nor time, it's about attitude problem right now. I told myself: You are not allow to hang out after August, except for some expected functions (prom night, friends' birthday). I believed, a person who really study hard still couldn't get good results, means that they study without understanding. I believed, a person who study smart can get good results even thou they do not study pretty hard. So, I believed I'm a smart person. Not to be sarcastic but I think I'm that kind of person. I don't like being over estimated or under estimated. I've been over and under estimated by others. But now seems like everyone looked down on me, even myself. I just can't get off this feeling. I'm not that kind of person who can sit still and study for a day. Anyway just have to show what I got and don't ever looked down and under estimated by others. I believe I'm smart and I can make it till the end.
Time will show what I've got. Hard work is only another short cut way to help you achieve your goals, study smart is the main one, to achieve what you want.

Studying is a trend to make up human minds

Recent addicts

Floorball

Squash

Well, when I will addict to my books? ='(

Cut

I realized that I love to have a CUT when I'm stressed. Don't misunderstand the word CUT. I love to cut my hair when I'm stressed, I love to cut my fingernail when I'm stressed, but I don't cut myself when I'm stressed. It's lucky that I don't have the habit to cut myself. I just went for hair dressing yesterday and now I felt like I want have a hair cut again. My fingernails are now shorter than usual. But it's still not enough for me to release my pressure. Anything else to cut? Now I need longer and more hair, I need longer and more nails.

Everything gonna end up in this way. Should be happen on me as usual.