The worst part of being in depression is you can really connect to the world as you supposed to be. It seems to be hurt, or feeling of puzzled when you see people are laughing, chatting happily, and it seems to be tough to understand the feelings. In order not to be such a sensitive asshole, I guess another choice is to depersonalize myself from any situation. I think I am kind of able to manipulate my depression situation, where even my parents don't seem me to be depressed, I am a cherished person. Perhaps any right way to live in this world is, living without feelings, so I won't be feeling anything, hurt, anger, sadness, sorrow, any emotions that I needed to survive. It is not healthy for me to live with feelings where I am being too sentimental and sensitive over the things, and words. A simple minor gesture cost me a happy day, in return with a solemn hearted moment, panic attacks, and endless moments of spinning heads.
Brought me to a social context that I am trying to be expected and okay person, pretend to be a cherish and visionary person, I got panic attacked. Throughout the conversations, several panic attacks, leads to physical discomforts like nausea and butterfly stomach, ended up I almost puke and had diarrhoea eventually. I am confused, while I was being told I can be a part of the projects, but when comes to another context, I was not being introduced to the person, as in I am excluded. Puzzled, who am I supposed to be? Am I in the project, or not?
Now I figured out, I don't like being exclusive; being inclusive in someone's life, meant alot to me at the moment. A simple gesture of introduction meant the recognition of your friends and positions in the heart. I am no longer there.
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