This is the 3rd major relapse that i could remember. I am on medication (Brintellix and Lexapro, 5mg both) but to some points it doesn't work that much. I asked my psychologist during my pyschotherapy, why would this be happening to me again although I am on medication? I got endless taughts running through my head, and panic attack most of the time. He was a little shocked, and said: "Perhaps this time, the impacts of (failure) striked too hard on you." I think, yea, it makes sense, what else fought me down then.
Most of the people don't understand, the feeling of suffering from depression. Most of the time, people or even care giver said: "Yea, I can understand how you feel." NO, a normal people cant ever know how a depressed person's feeling. By here, what i meant of depressed person is the people clinically diagnosed with depression. As what I know, I am suffering from bipolar disorder, and was misdiagnosed as depression at the first place. It is common that bipolar disorder often get mistreated, as what i experienced, I was a manic before who is really a high achiever (which i am so proud of myself over the achievements and i wish i could maintain who i am at that point), and most of the time i am in depressive mood.
Every patient experienced different kind of feelings when it comes to battling depression. As in mine, i had quite a few episodes with various scenarios. I experienced, the person who is climbing up the hill with load of rocks at my back; trapped in the storm; lost in the middle of the sea and drowning. It might seems vague and hyperbold on the emotions but it is the truth that what is going on with my emotion when i am suffering from depression episode. It is not merely sad, but lost of hope, no sense of self value, helplessness, lost sense of time and motivation.
I woke up in the morning, the first question i could ever asked, why am i still awake. My friends said, you should getting going to do something, and yea, i pushed myself twice of my usual efforts to wake up. Lately, i watched Netflix alot, my partner said i should try to be productive instead of just going on Netflix. I don't have much to say but i just don't feel like moving and waking up from my bed, at all.
I cried alot, like almost everyday. My partner doesn't understand, why am i crying again. I felt sad, lonely and helpless for most of the time. I looked at my partner, she is great, she is busy on making great things to happen, and i wish i can help her with her loads at the moment, but she refused my gestures. For a normal person, perhaps, the thinking would probably: "Okay. She doesn't need help which means she can manage on her own, which is great." For me, i would have cried, and the thoughts are running through again: "Is that because i am useless? She doesn't need my help perhaps because i can't really help her out." It makes me felt myself a burden, self blame for not being a better person.
For her, being a care giver, it hasn't been easy, and i drained her energy way too much. I can understand if she wants to quit, and i told her so. It has been 5 years, and i am so tired of battling, again and again. It just got worst from time to time. I started my medication just 10 months ago because my cognitive functions have been affected. Memory distorted, dysfunction in thinking, I don't know what is the rights and the wrong (ethical issues), and indecisive, lose sense of time, hallucination.... Alot that i had been through, i got so stressed that i cant even memorize a simple things, and sometimes the memory just did not register well into my brain. I can't recall. Any terms that i can tell, depersonalization, hallucination, dementia, cognitive disorder, a little DID? I am not sure.
No one can ever know how i feel, people just can't understand. At least my psychologist knows, and he understands how i felt, at least i have a little sense of security now.
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