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HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAPPY 2013, 新年快乐

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好说，考试完了，心情依旧停留在考试期。没有开心，没有伤心，只是多了无奈。伤心帮不了多少，伤心成绩不会变好。就在这个星期，很多不同的心情，过着同样的每一天，感觉上发生了很多事，事实上并没有什么事，干嘛要给自己找麻烦？今天，就剩我一个人在家，housemate 一个都没有，很秃废的一天。看戏吃饭，有看戏，看得很闷。想做的事很多，但偏偏这个时候很不舒服，明天能不能驾车？:'(

薇和 Joyce 搬家了，很突然的决定。以后就只有我和斐了，我想我应该会很懒惰去找朋友。昨天晚上，帮她们搬家，弄了很迟才回家。有时候，太突然的决定，会扰乱了思想。我还是相信，不是运气好或坏，而是个人的处事态度。

话说回来，我真的是会花钱，还是乱花钱？RM500, 一个月，能生存吗？一个月叻，车油费都要两百了，加上房租，都要三百七了，剩下的，只有一百三，三十天伙食费，一天平均才四块，没剩了。还有还有，日常生活用平叻？？？？给自己一个月，也是过得很节俭，吃的，都是三思后的决定。这样的话，我下个月还可不可以学吉他？ 

我很不舒服，怎么办？？？我明天要回家。

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这个晚上，很害怕，很害怕，怕得要哭了。为什么变成这样？

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与其常常抱着希望，与其常常幻想，与其常常的思念，却换来一次一次的不爽，一次一次的心痛，倒不如放下一切，不附期望的，逃走。
就这样，一天的好心情被毁，书也读不进。有时候，我真的希望我恨你多过我爱你。

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Yea, that's the things we do always left it out.
"When measure your growth, make sure to only measure your today self by your past self. If you compare your relationships, your success, or your anything against anyone else, you are not being fair to you. Everyone has a different path, a different pace, and different challenges to face along the way."
So what's the point of comparing yourself to another, what does the happiness bring after you had the unfair comparison? This has been a trend of society. When I used to be a child, parents (even other parents) started to compare me to the rest of the children, child that working at the coffee shop, child being obedient, child being clever, child being pretty, child being neat. I wonder if the rest of their parents compare their children and me? What a sad story, and memories. If I have the chance to choose to delete those unhappy and unwanted memories, these memories would be the first. Parents need to know children minds. Their brains and attitudes and characters are not well develop, yet. That the golden time to educate the right and healthy mind concept, instead of comparison. Anyway, it was past. New generation ahead, 90's early adulthood, time to become parents. I wonder how the 90's educate their children. Now is a totally different world, games are no longer paper scissors stone, no longer hoop jumping, pepsi cola, all about smart phones, computers, technology gadgets. Curiosity of mine, starting to observe. How's the world turns on again? More genius or moron? Human growth, fatter and shorter.
Anyway, the so called "doom day" has passed. Nothing happened and nothing different. I am still alive. So get something better, do something better, to create a better tomorrow. =)

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逼自己早醒的后果，就是心情很很很不好。今天的脾气就是很暴躁，很想骂人咯，没人给我骂，骂自己。话说，我很想吃麦当劳，就说了，如果把书给读完，就宠一宠自己。结果，三思后，买了便菜，自己煮饭。两餐才三块钱，算起来，一餐的麦当劳等于八餐的午晚餐。别小看我这个饭桶，本来想，应该是煮不完的米，结果，只剩下一天的饭的份量。不错了咯，越来越肥咯。
看见自己的改变了。以前的我，想吃的话，二话不说买了吃了再算。现在，有钱吃得起，却三思了又三思。这样会很烦。到底是好还是不好？以不像以往的潇洒。
今天没麦当劳吃，书还是照样读。
最近都在听华文歌曲，很讨厌，因为一直听到钢琴声。不一样的文化，不一样的乐曲，不一样的乐器。英文歌曲偏向吉他，有轻快感；华文歌曲偏向钢琴，多数是情歌。
钢琴，真的是我一生中的遗憾。
朋友在卖 ukulele, 要不要买叻???

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好孤独，好寂寞。='(
睡迟了，一点醒，不够睡，好累。
醒了，弄热包，早午餐。
吃了，在桌前，听歌，很吵，关了。太静，无聊，开歌，听歌，关掉，开书，翻书，读书，玩电话，自知自明，收电话，电话响，听电话，玩电话，收电话。读书，不专心，翻书，读不进。
心很烦！
十二月十六日       晚上        阴 晴

上篇是一则日记，二三四字经，刘彦颐 笔。

你在哪里？嬉皮笑脸的你，怎么不见了？你又做梦了，睡得好吗？你多久没好好睡觉了？乐观的你呢？又不在了。蹦蹦跳跳好动的你，在哪里？又不在了。你死到哪里去了？？？？！！！

很烦啦！！！炒饭炒到焦，心在焦，头在绞。眼泪藏到身体哪个角落，快点出来就没事了。

为什么那么失败？

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好不容易，把对你的感觉给收拾好，却被你的一行字，又把它启动。我又想多了。

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Done my drama and assignment, I was like, FINALLY. It's so hard to get through this week, the week before the drama. I was acting as a lesbian and got isolated by my friends. Acted like a clown, joker, anything that funny but ruined my reputation. I DON'T LIKE IT. Those days were miserable days. It's not that we doing last minute job, well prepare as first, when comes to the last rehearsal, problems appeared. Thanks to my friend to presented earlier and taught us what to do. The last day rehearsal, scripts are changed. I am worried. When comes to the real one, we did made mistakes. However, maybe you realized I  am not happy, and yes I admit that I unhappy with the comments given. Those comment shouldn't be given if we did correct our mistakes as we had knew it early from the beginning. So now it has been a past. Maybe I am the perfectionist and I had higher expectation than that, nothing wrong with my friends because they did tried hard to correct their mistakes, so I did. At least, we handled it, we managed to hang on till the end. At least, the scripts are not the scripts anymore, we able to answer each other questions. However, no matter what happen and I don't care, as long as IT'S OVER. Although the character is similar as me, but the story still different, somehow, it reminds me about something and someone. So the end of the drama. No more assignments or presentations, it's all about exam now.
Tuesday, I was down for reasons, main one was about the drama. My mom text-ed me, asked whether I'm home. I had been skipping school for 2 days. Would be 4 days included today. I was so surprised when they said they wanted to come find me, can't deny that they miss me, so am I. Whatever things, I pushed aside, I made earlier appointment with friends, just to see my parents. My mom grown a little bit fatter, my dad gone skinny, both of them looks older days after days. Somehow that day was my happiest day in Kampar. I love you mom and dad.
Yesterday was 12.12.12. Everyone is talking about that on FB and even my friends messaged me. I was so not-living-creature that I have no idea when and what date is. Is time to wake up. It was the last same numbers in a series of date, the next one would be 100 years later. So is that the earth still around in another century? Or it will turn in dust? I'll be living on the other planets perhaps, another human another life.
The past few days or weeks perhaps, had been sleepless night. I slept early in the morning and woke up in the morning, too. Next week would be a lonely week in Kampar, but no worries I can survive.
I think I had lost something, something that will cheer me up.  =(

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是不是每个人，在找回自我之前，都会迷失？但我，已迷失多久？夜已深，独有我电脑亮着灯。书桌，有计算机，电话，钢笔，今晚多了一罐酒。电脑前，坐着的，一个躯壳，还有迷失的灵魂。原来，一罐酒，已经灌不醉自己了，只留下炙热的身躯。听着一首又一首的情歌，不听了，身旁的朋友睡了。望出窗口，犹如井底之蛙，只见一片黑暗，亮灯的房间渐渐变少。是该睡觉的时候了。我迷失了，有谁帮帮忙？告诉我是谁？
哦，今晚的酒，是甜的。

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曾几何时，也许，是不过我自觉，在我需要你的时候，你已不在。是我想多了，还是，大家都变了。也许，时间，真的改变了一切。你我都变了。我说，我要看见以前的你，而你却说，快点把以前的你给找回来。以前以前，多久以前，什么时候的我们，都是大家想要的？以前的，回不来，只能盼望现在，想象未来。我，还有多久，可以活着？我难过了，伤心了，你在吗？

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剪，不剪。头发，竟然给我带来这么多烦恼，顾虑。要是以前的我，二话不说，一头短发亮相。考虑了一个星期，仍然犹豫不决。人生嘛，痛痛快快过了就算了，还在犹豫什么？不懂。再过两个星期，大考来啦。没什么，就给自己加油吧。
这里的生活，除了上课，吃，看戏，睡觉。我给自己加分，我有打球。只是，还是一样的，很懒。我想说，要过得充实一点，但是，好像还是很秃废。我只是想大大声地喊：“我很累。” 我真的累了，睡觉，每晚都做梦，没完没了。睡觉当儿，头脑依旧醒着。成绩，已经输人一大截，睡觉也输了，什么都输人。告诉我，你还有什么可以输？有时候，输赢都我很重要。我会在意，除非我不想要做，除非我输得心服口服。换句话，我有什么可以让我骄傲的？嗯，不会睡觉的头脑。

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最近怎么了？突然的，很想念你，很想很想。不要想了好不好？吃也想，上课也想，读书也想，睡觉也想，很辛苦。我不想也不要这样子。吃不好，读不好，睡不好，上课不专心。一个月，就这样过了，好快。梦，没完没了。渐渐的，我已开始分不清，梦境与事实了。对面的朋友每晚开着灯，要睡觉的我，内疚。每个人在读书，我也要读，我不服输。

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我开心不起来，我开不起心来，我心开不起来。意思一样吗？
也不过这样子，只有两个字形容 -秃废。
我一直想要努力改变自己，但，是谁改变了谁？
是不是小时候最天真，性格最纯的？我想要回以前的我。以前的我输不起，现在的我愿输也不要赢。到底是怎么了？最爱的游戏，也提不起我的精神。我没读书，我内疚。看见朋友们，已经开始便僵尸了。读书吧你。

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屠妖节快乐。愿大家快乐。

昨天晚上，说去怡保，就驾车去了，如此潇洒。一车四人行，晚上不睡觉，去看戏。日子就这样过，如此秃废，如此浪费。刘菀菱，你几时才要清醒？每天睡醒，第一件事，想，我还在。我为什么在这里？为什么会在这里？在做着什么？像失忆一样，慢慢钩起之前的回忆。你问我，我为什么会要在这里？我，应该答不出来。有时候，身边的事物，如此熟悉，但却如此的陌生。我难道对人事物已没感觉了？有时候，我只想静静的，坐着，放空，发呆。看书，喝咖啡，高楼大厦，落地窗，繁忙城市，霓虹灯的夜景，跨国公司，在我潜意识里。是未来吗？还是幻想？发梦的习惯还没戒掉吗？还有种种不想钩起的记忆。人生，真的如此可怕？步步惊心，可以这么形容吗？害怕地上前一步，懦弱地踏在原步，失败地后退一步，你要如何选择？表面上，可以很乐观，心里，自己折磨自己。有时候，回想整件事，往往都是自己先开始的，甚至忘了怎么开始。其实，不是我罢了，没个人都这样，不是吗？10个人里，我相信，9个都是悲观者。是环境造成的吗？还是人为？

决定，每个决定，都是要如此的小心翼翼。刘菀菱，你决定了没有？

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话说回来，这几天的回忆，该从何开始？就星期三吧。
星期三，考试，上课到八点晚上。下午就接到了电话，出事了。本来说，可以在空档的时候温习功课应付考试，担心的心情，哪能顾得了。结果，算了。考试没了。考完试，去医院了。待了好久。好说，朋友，我能办，能帮的，我都做了，会不会想，看你自己怎么想。你不回想，我变成神仙也救不了你。难听点，就说累人累己。我能帮的，我都做了。
拖了又拖，胃痛就这样开始的。星期四，胃痛了，乖乖去看医生，顺便看了鼻子，因为鼻息开始肿了，又在呼吸困难了。看了吃了药，把之前不足的睡眠都补了回来，够力的。我睡了四天。今天我每吃药，也是很累很爱睡。又发梦，梦见自己睡到死掉了。不可以在这样下去，真的会死掉的。
你说我变了。你要以前的我。人，总会改变，你怎么要我不变？我，只不过想要变得自私一点。每件事，要顾虑每个人的感受，那我的感受呢？有时候，告诉自己，别人没出声，你在意什么，你在想什么，你在等什么，结果就忍不住跑去问一问。这，岂不是多余的关心？当别人不当一回事。我失望，我心淡，我心伤。我不想，再付出更多的精神，多余的关心。既然，我改变不了别人，那我就改变我自己，何乐而不为？
每天告诉自己，我要变得有自信。

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I never been a champion before, never... Just sucks in everything... but papa and mama, did I ever made you proud before? Perhaps I should not have been born in this world. Papa mama, what has been said, between your conversation, I'll never forget. Sometimes I just feel like wanna get away from you, escape from this world. No matter how, thanks for raising me all these ways, I've been loser all the time. I just want to know what you want, instead of saying supporting me all the time. Why I just can't be better, anything, just anything...

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今天本小姐不懂怎么了，突然变得很high，很开心，很有活力。是不是太久没开心过了？还是受不了考试的打击？生物这科考得很不好，不爽，不开心。所吸收的东西竟然都忘了，还是头脑当时是在睡觉呢？希望他是在睡觉。不懂怎么了，holiday mood 被启动，竟然忘记明天有考试。疯了。这两天都很放纵，每读书，接下来每个星期考试。两天就好。=)
收拾心情，读书去吧。其实，读书还蛮不错的，看是以什么心态。不可用为了考试的心态，而是为了增加知识的心态，心，开多了。我喜欢读书。=)

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哇。。。快快写完这一篇，太多东西还没做。很压力叻，很累叻，身体可不可以听话一点？就想说，我很想吃甜品，我要吃糖果，我要吃巧克力，我要吃冰淇淋。*knock knock* 清醒一点，吃了会变很肥的。T^T

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下定决心，要买电摩。所谓电摩，是电动摩多，像电动自行车，但电摩已类似摩多。我想，我会驾翻！虽然说是除二，但毕竟还是不便宜。开始存钱吧。话说回来，抵挡不住迷你书展的诱惑，跑去看书了。竟然找到我要的书本。。。天啊。。。忍着吧。。。还有很多书没看。 ='(
昨晚睡觉，不懂是什么东西，跑进了我的鼻子里，以为梦里的情景。早上醒来，喉咙有东西卡着，不是梦叻，到底是什么东西？？？
我可不可以，大大声地告诉你说我想你？？？

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谢谢老天爷的照顾与眷恋，我与蟑螂们一起住了一个星期。上的星期，我的衣橱就有异味，很臭很臭的，却不懂是什么东西这么的臭。叫朋友闻了一下，原来是壁虎粪便味。我就把橱抹了抹，放了香水，以为异味会渐渐消失。过了几天，异味还在。之前已听见蟑螂飞来飞去的声音，但迟迟不出现，哪知，它们都在我的衣橱里。其母之！！！我快疯了。抽屉拉了出来，杀虫剂喷了喷，飞了出来，打死它！不说你们不知，这里的蟑螂都特别大只，特别强壮，特别健康。休息一下，又听见声音，不对劲，看了看，还有一只！！！ 把它弄了出来，打死它。一转身，另一只，出没在另一个角落，跑了过去打呀打。好喘号喘，脚都软了。又听见声音，望了望，我的妈，在墙上，窗帘最高处。我边想，这下要变成蜘蛛侠，爬到墙上了。自己没意识到，握着杀虫剂的左手，我的拖鞋的右手，已经抖得很厉害，发冷发紫了。谢天谢地的是，它是爬下来不是飞下来，拼了老命，只能一直喷，打不了，到极限了。疯了啦，一天之内打死五只蟑螂。哦，错，四只而已，还有一只没死就丢进马桶了。下次遇到它，还会怕吗？没有答案的问题。惨的是，衣服要重新洗过。算了，谢谢那一夜，变得勇敢，就一点点。从怕蟑螂的程度，拔腿就跑，脚软，到有本事打蟑螂，不错了啦，给自己小小的安慰。=')

心情依旧低落，欢欢笑笑，嘻嘻哈哈，向傻婆一样过日子。在给自己一点时间，这次，是要理智的处理。多少天了，上课都不能专心，再这样下去，会不及格的。要再次品尝那痛苦吗？那不如去死好了。

看开点，人生不过是一场游戏，只是，不能重新开始的游戏。

13

我又回来了。好久没有天天更新部落格。自从昨天开始看李欣怡的部落格，就停不下来了。就像看书一样，我是在阅读着别人的人生，自己没办法经历的人生。就是爱看书。最近又再胡思乱想，我可不可以不要读书，但当全职的书虫。还亏我想得出这么没出息的东西。今天学校有小型书展，就只是经过罢了，都已经兴奋不已。天啊，全部都是书。发白日梦就算了，但这个愿望我倒是想实现，我要拥有自己的图书馆。=)
可以开始想象，也许以后破产，除了投资，屋内装璜，家具，还有，应该是书本了。
今天早课，又在班上打瞌睡。因为昨晚迟睡，加上做梦，早上赖床。我怎么越来越懒。。。再一个小时，就要去考场了。对，等下有考试。关了电脑，冲个凉，来个最后复习，应战吧！
~每一天都是美好的一天，只在乎你是以什么心境面对~

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啊，最近爱上了咖啡。没了它，我的昼就变成了夜，夜变成了日，昼夜不分啊。想当初，我是怎么抗拒咖啡。每当我的咖啡，偏头痛就来做伴，怕我无聊，陪了我好几天。现在，至有咖啡没有偏头痛。以前，喝了咖啡，就会作呕，也许胃不允许我和咖啡；现在，咖啡与我已合为一体。一样的咖啡，想当年，喝了觉得很苦和痛苦；现在，喝了，很甜很香浓，不喝才痛苦叻。哈哈哈。咖啡，你是何方神圣？把我的魂魄都给带走了。没了你，我不行了。爱你爱得好深。嗯，是时候，该认识不一样品种的你们。=)

Academic english, unity and coherence applied, point-by-point paragraph... hahahaha. XD

11

考试时期已近, 之前提过的规则，就在第一的星期后，就没再执行。太多事情发生，来得太快，应付不来。心灵心境都还没调整好。事情慢慢平复，但脾气变本加厉，动不动就发神经。我，还不够坚强；我，还不够理智；我，还不够成熟。还有更多更挑战的人生，还在前头。我需要，在最短时间内，把自己到回轨道。我需要，更强的定力，更强的基础，还有更强的脚，更稳的脚部，继续前进。我不会，我不要，我不再，浪费时间，浪费金钱。爸妈，有一天，我要你们为我感到骄傲，就算一天也好。

10

新的学期，以为会是一个好开始。开始每天读书，开始每天做功课，一切的一切，本来都很顺利。哪知，打从第二个星期开始，一切开始有变化。什么问题都跑了出来。现在第四个星期了，前三个星期，过着的是什么生活? 我都忘了。我只知道，我没读到书，我没做到功课。在这样下去，我会疯的，真的会疯的。我已经，没办法像以前一样，噼哩啪啦的讲个不停。 我现在，我想要讲话，却讲不出来，我饿了，我想要吃饭，却吃不下。我累了，我真的累了。就让我一个人，平平静静的过活吧。我现在，什么都不要，我只要一个人，静静的生活，静静的读书，我真的什么都不想要。我累了，让我一个人，回到我一个人的世界。我，就只要读书。。。。。

9

已经步入了第二学期，无可否认的，时间越过越快。以后的时间，会不会是一眨眼就过了一天。我想，就算有这么一天的到来，我已不再这世上了。第一个星期，最空闲，只有上课。每天八点早上的课。这个学期，给自己保证，一些事情，一定要做到。
一，每天一定要吃早餐。
二，每星期至少运动一次。
三，不可以在挥霍。
四，每天一定要读书。
五，每星期一定要看课外读物。
之前的存款都花完了，现在是名副其实地等爸妈养。我不要! 自从做工以后，就没再向父母伸手要钱，要买的东西，都是那些辛辛苦苦赚来的钱。我的定义，会赚，也要会花，要花得值得。现在每钱了，不喜欢等着钱的那种滋味，所以，偷偷打工去咯。今天第一天，当服务员，其实，还真无聊。很怕，每时间读书。自从上个学期的生死之考试后，我每天警告自己，每天一定要读书，哪怕只读十分钟。现在，多了工作，少了游戏。每星期都有杂志刊，但目前为止，我都没认真读过。课外读物，该多读，可增加知识。不可以在让自己堕落下去，不可以过得那么秃废。我就不相信，我的能力就到此为止。努力一些， 我要过得很充实，我要过得很精彩。
最近又在失眠，都是小睡惹的祸！

8

是不是痛哭一场，就能把一切都放下？是不是痛哭一场，就能变成另外一个人？是不是痛哭一场，就能改变这一切? 如果可以，我宁愿大哭一场，一切就从此结束，就够了。

7

Should I just change? What the fucking hell are you thinking? Chances are given but the outcome is still the same. Repeat study the same things, repeat sitting for the same exam, repeat flicking the same books, repeat over and over again, why just can't get over it? Just give up? Or just go further more? I promised, if I fail to make it again, I quit. So what the hell should I do now? 

No more tears for that, heart broken, life dead. 

1.9.2012

九月第一天，才开始新的一个月，就这么伤心，难过。打从一个月前，就说服自己，你们还是会回来的。一个月前，默默地为你们担心，一个月前一个月前。这天终于来了，看天你们，就想紧紧地抱着。我就是不舍得你们罢了，就你们三个。你们不舍，我更不舍。想到你们三个同时离开我，我伤心，我生气，我难过，我祝福你们。我感觉被你们抛弃了。我回到槟城，就这么一个人。我就是同时是去你们三个。老实说，我还很难接受这事实，理智告诉我，要替你们感到高兴，要祝福你们，要替你们加油打气。那一幕，泪提就差点崩裂，原来，我是那么的脆弱，我并不潇洒。你们走了，会槟城，除了陪家人，就真的一个人了。我的心还是没办法平复，泪，在眼球打滚，我是不会让它掉下来的。我不能，告诉你们我很难受，我不可以那么自私，我不可以感情用事。
贞，我等你会来，咱们一起旅行去。
枚，我等你会来，咱们一起再次疯狂。
煌，我等你会来，带我到处去玩游。
说不定你们毕业了，我还没毕业。我这个败类。如果当初努力一些些，是不是想你们一样，不一样的结果？
没有如果了，都过了。
贞，努力读书，但别忽略了健康。
枚，快点适应，别哭了，我本来打算买一盒的纸巾给你的，但我忘了，所以只能给你一张，应该是不够用吧。记得你答应我的，你要下载skype和我谈天的。还有，还有件事忘了告诉你，伤好了，告诉我，有追求者，一定要向我报备，知道吗？
煌，好好读书，别太挂念。记得你答应我的事。我一定会遵守我的承诺。
你们需要时间适应，我也需要。

6

好久已没更新，好久没在键盘上敲敲打打。有时候，心情不好，敲打键盘，有点放肆，但却开心得多，就像把气泄在它身上，它不疼，我也好多，两全其美。
今天逃课了，我不想上学。11点的课，10点才起床，又多么的不甘心。算了，就读书吧。不睡了。很伤心，成绩真的不理想，物理完了，没可救药。一个决定，如此的难下定决心。我生活里大大的抉择都是在厕所里决定的，所以请原谅我洗澡很慢。我就是很喜欢躲在厕所里。
你，看你如此的绝望，我真的不懂怎么办。星期五后，不过你真的上不了想上的科系，你过来吧，至少这里有我和薇可以看着你，我是这么想。一切决定还是自己选择吧，我知道你的父母会帮你安排一切。也许，你过了这段经历，以后生活会好过一些。掉进谷底后，能爬出来后，一切不是问题了。经历会让你成长。
早上，看着人家一杯咖啡，悠哉的看报纸，那是怎么样的人的生活？但我肯定，那不是我的。我早上只能喝牛奶，看着我那厚厚还没完的功课，墙上贴着大大张的时间表，一切就像未知数。

5

我懂了，你的感受。那种很在意，却被伤的感觉。我也不懂，为什么会被你的一句话伤得那么严重。心痛到快要窒息的感觉，要哭也不可以哭，因为全部都是自找的。那天最后一天在槟城，的确很伤心很心痛，我真的不想回去槟城了。来到这里，谁也没想念，却一直想起当天的事情，我不要。可不可以重新开始？我什么回忆都不要，我真的要从零开始，学业友情感情。我真的想把心给挖出来。我恨自己，是不是之前对人太好？结果沦落到这种地步。算了，我不想知道，反正你们已把我这样看待，继续吧，也许好人难当，坏人会好过一点。
很多时候，一些词一些字，不懂该不该写，但这些词这些字，都是我的真心话。就你一个，我不想你把我当着是坏人。='(  xoxo

To whom concerned

Hi there, just to say hi and bye. To whom concerned, I'm here and I'm fine, thanks for you guys concerned. Well, just to update you all about a little bit of my life over here. So the story start here...

I am now studying at Utar, Kampar. Truly, not yet start my study, lived here for the third day only, I started to feel bored, really bored. No TV, No shopping mall, No Cinema, NO NO NO, all a big NO NO. Gosh, I am so afraid that when I got home after 4 years, I will become 'orang hutan'. Things are kinda outdated here. Anyway, still, I can't adapt yet. Sleepless night is killing me. Hardly to fall asleep and easily to awake. Kampar is a really tiny and a little outdated city. Not really a city actually. The life here, is really boring, not much entertainment. I wonder, how those people survive here. Without those advanced gadgets and internet, I would properly die of boredom. The most entertaining things, I not manage to bring it here, and I am so damn regret now. That is my baby- guitar. Well, not much things to do here. Routine of day, wake up and go to school, out for lunch, and now we had the time to shop and hanging around. I haven't start my study yet, just brought along a few reference books and story books. I am so tired, like seriously, thanks to my brain, for the sleepless night. And I had no idea what happened to me, just feeling my stomach not pretty good, and had diarrhea once. So that's all, and thanks to you all who concerned, the text the messages the wishes and the prays, thanks a lot. They made me felt warm and meant a lot to me. 

P/s: I have updated mine, as you told me to do so, and I will try to update here often so that you will know how is my life here. How are you? I know you are not alright, and sadly I can't make the last meeting with you. Just want you to know that I am always here for you, no matter where are you or where am I. I just want you to be happy. Just make anything and everything simple and contain yourself, that's all. Well, I know you are reading this and I know you get who and what I meant. I read a sentence last night in my story book, I think it's what I wanted to tell you. Here you go. And all the best to you. Love you always. xoxo

"问题是生活的调味料"

4

性格極端敏感、佔有慾強、重度精神潔癖強
沒事喜歡胡思亂想
有時候,發現身邊的人都不瞭解自己
面對身邊的人、突然覺得說不出話

有時候
在自己脆弱的時候
想一個人躲起來
不願別人看到自己的傷口
有時候
突然很想逃離現在的生活
想不顧一切收拾簡單的行李去流浪

心裡想什麼從來不說、別人也猜不到
不喜歡受別人限制

不擅交際
一般情況下不喜歡說太多

只是不知道該怎麼說出口

不要當三瓶女人：
年輕時是花瓶
中年時是醋瓶
老年時是藥瓶

不要做三轉女人：
圍着鍋台轉
圍着老公轉
圍着孩子轉

做三獨立女人：
思想獨立
能力獨立
經濟獨立

三養女人：
修養
涵養
保養；

三麗女人：
美麗
能力
魅力

明明在深愛、卻表達不完美
明知要放棄、卻不甘心就此離開
明知是煎熬、卻又躱不掉
明知無前路、心卻早已收不回來
明知會受傷、卻不願意放手
明知要等待、卻傻傻的獨自寂寞
明明不聯繫、卻會拚命的想起對方

別人一句也許無心的話
或者一個無意識的舉動
開始胡思亂想、開始患得患失

3

The most importance things almost done. Payment? Paid. Rooms? Rented. So what else? Just, nothing more to say, I used to be, and get used with it. Is that I am too sensitive? You never get what I say, and you never understand. Fine then. =( Somehow I felt not right after all. I take it like seriously. The words you said, making me feels like I am stupid, definitely stupid. Indeed I am, more than that, I am an idiot. Fine fine fine. I knew I'm useless. Just, stop making and saying things that will make me feel I am stupid. I just hope I am not as useless as a dump. T^T

2

刚刚收到 E-mail,我报名的科系得到了。今天工作的很累，把小孩抱上抱下，手臂还真的要断了。当然也有不开心的时候，工作被骂是无法避免的，所以只要我做好本分就好了。工作得累的时候，检查了e-mail, 依然发现，终于有所恢复了。说好七天，我还没收到，脾气又来了。第七天，立刻e-mail给他们。终于有了结果，开心了一阵子。回家，再仔细的查，哦，得给学费了，3175，我还没付果这么贵的学费，心，又沉重了一下。对不起，我真的不想去聚会，说没钱，也只不过是个借口。如果想吃，还会付不起吗？嗨。是开心吗？还是伤心？又开始矛盾。说到梦想，也不做梦了。错，不该说不做，而是想做也不敢做。想了又怎样？会实现吗？所谓江山易改，本性难移。做梦也许是我的本性。每当开始做梦，就得压抑，不让自己胡思乱想。就算做了，就告诉自己，不会实现的。心已没感觉，那团火，没了。

1

Used to spend time to think what is my title, instead I'll make it easy, number it. =)

Well, it's the beginning of April, and yea, I got my salary, and I spent it. What I've bought? Ipad 2 cover, a Microsoft blur track mouse, 2 8GB Kingston pen drives, Herbaline moisturizer and toner. The moisturizer is for my grandma, Ipad 2 cover and a pen drive are my brother. And yet, all these things cost me 300 bucks. And yes, I spent it all, again at the beginning of April. No more extra expenses. Good. Yesterday went for facial treatment, and my face look terribly ugly, what to do??? Cry out loud! T^T

Well, another 58 days to go, and I'll be leaving here. Going to another brand new place, and live there with friends, or room mates? No idea. I am sad, not because I am leaving here, but I'm leaving here for my damn results. I leave here with failures, but I swear, I gotta bring my glory back. I will put my armors on and stay strong. But sincerely, I'll decide again after I've done my foundation, I had no idea what I am going for. When I recalled, my mom told her friends that my cousin is brilliant, he manage to earn and study at the same time, besides that he is excellent in both of that, career and study. Seeing that he is going to England to take his degree, that was my biggest dream. I've learnt a lesson, don't dream high. See? What I have? He earned, he travel, I earn, I feed myself, he got high payment, I save money and work like a bull. Can't admit that, he is brilliant, that is the reason he always get compliments from my parents. I don't allow myself to dream anymore. No travel, no overseas study, no big houses, no car and no job, just clean up your mind and go get your degree! After all, I still wish I could go overseas. STOP DREAMING AND WAKE UP! This world is not amazing as you thought! It is all about MONEY! Be realistic man..... Well, I try to give myself a better life, and i start to smile, then laugh out of my head, ignore those stupid feelings okay??? Friends meant nothing actually, friends are everywhere. Sometimes they knock you down, sometimes they bring you up. So what's wrong with that? I fell, and I got to stand up, they will not help you. Fine. Wake up and get up. It's time for new challenge, prove that you can make it. Prove to everyone, and the world is yours. I wish I could vanish in a moment so no one can see me or find me, when they knew, I'll be in somewhere else. 

*This content of mono log. Complicated. =(   

Random update 1

The days I've been for these few weeks, I felt it's tough to been through. All kind of hard feelings came towards me, all I got to do, is to pick it up, eat it, and swallow it. Doubts coming around, hesitating which way I have to go. I have lost myself in the lights, lost my faith. The feelings I had, cannot be written, nor spoken. Deep inside of me, I felt lifeless, I see disappointments, I see the blues, I see the end of my life. I admit, I did think of suicide, I've hurt, I can't get over it, I can't face the truth, I can't face anyone, included myself, I felt shameful and I had embarrassed my parents. I've cried, every night, thought of what I've done, thought what I've heard that shouldn't be heard, thought of how my parents think of me, thought of how the others look upon me, thought of how am I going to continue.... Many many things to think of. Lot of things to tell but can't speak it up, so it's the end of the day. Laughter in days, but what I am in the night? Tears has dried, heart has died. 

三月

啦啦啦~ 这么快又三月了。呵呵，明天就要拿成绩了。说实在的，我差点就忘了，多亏昨晚的噩梦。 呼~ 三月三月，开第六天，本小姐已花了600多令吉，所以现在正式的宣布破产。=.=/// 三月三月，本小姐会过得很充实。很快又要到了，星期六paintball, 星期日出发咯！再多一个礼拜，就要去aquatic course. 还期待好期待。 呵呵。还有，为什么这么多人在三月生日呢？本小姐可没钱送礼物了。三月三月，本小姐终于买了吉他，开始了梦想的第一步。=）

说完没事

累了，却还不想睡觉。工作快两个月了，起初好好的，但感觉越来越不喜欢那里了。有时候，我也在想，为何要做这些？说好听，什么都学，说难听，做打杂。一开始，我并没这么想，还很光荣地说，我做过了些什么。也许，是朋友的影响吧。我并没感觉到那么委屈，没那么辛苦，反而觉得工作太过简单。其实并没什么，我会继续下去的。我告诉自己，我还是学徒，必须什么都学，我不是老板，不可以投诉，社会很现实，他们对我已经是很不错。只要我愿意学，没什么事难倒我。我常常告诉自己要保持着正面思想，不是欺骗自己，而是让自己升级。当一个人活在负面思想的生活里，就算是神仙，恐怕也救不了，只会一直降级。我知道，我因人而异，我坚持我的思想，我的立场。我希望，过了三个月，就有真的projects给我做，我还在期待。而你，不做就辞职吧。说难听点，你整天投诉这个那个，你不累我累，制造躁音污染。千金大小姐，你不过是小小员工，一点份量都没有，他们去floor排货，叫你去排也在那边乱。去survey你也乱，没东西做你也乱。回家做回你的大小姐啦。对待朋友也不能好一点吗？人家的style讲人家难看，你很美么？看见你，我看见的，缺点多过优点。所学到的优点，做事要有效率，快于准。缺点呢，第一，己所不欲，勿施于人。第二，对自己有所要求，但不要把自己的要求放在别人的身上。第三，接受别人的观点。别人的观点和思想不会和自己的一样。第四，说话不要处处针对别人。无心的话会对别人造成很大的伤害。第五，不要认为自己是最好。如果认为这样，一辈子都不会成功。第六，自己要的自己争取。就算东西不见了，自己找回来，不要利用朋友找回来。还有好多好多小小的细节。我常常用它的缺点来提醒自己不要从犯他的错误。你们三个，坚强点，我们行的。你们要会接受的现实的社会。我们一起加油。谢谢你们两个今晚的陪伴，我心情好了一点。I'll be tough, I know you are always there for me, I love you babes, no one can replace you two in my heart. Sincerely I appreciate that I had friends like you. I miss you guys. Sometimes I need your support when no one is there for me and you guys did, support me no matter how, my studies, love matter and much more. And sorry for sometimes, I threw my emotions and tempers on you guys, but you are still listening to me and giving me advices. I can't imagine how long you have been stand for my bad temper. Thanks for your patient. I got nothing more to expect and to get from you, just continue to be in this way, it's more than enough for my entire life. Love you guys. xoxo

给你的话

看见你如此的低落，我却没办法安慰你，对不起。我自己的心情也很低落，不懂是不是在此的心灵相通，哈哈。话说回来，你啊，最近老爱到处跑，我相信，你的钱早已花光了。你常往外跑，难免父母的三字经。我何尝不是如此？以前就一直往外跑，父母老是觉得我浪费钱，吊儿郎当，没事做。所做的家务事，在他们的眼里，是理所当然的，所以他们根本没把这些放在眼里，他们要的，是要我帮妈妈做工什么的，我就是不理，随他们讲。你的经历，也许我比你早走了一步。现在，我工作了，的确不一样。虽然说是office hours,但是实际上，见面的时间也变少了，家里发生大大小小的事，我错过了很多。不像以前，什么事情都在掌控之中。现在的我，要省钱，少出街了，也想花多点时间待在家里。工作说难不难，但回到家，就莫名其妙的，自然累了。晚上有时间，就看看书，上上网，但我常常成迷于游戏。我没工作前，尝不想回家，但工作后，每天第一件想的是回家。在家里，累了就休息，不用看别人的脸色，暂时逃避了很现实的社会。最重要的是想告诉你，有时间，就在家里陪陪父母吧。还有，工作就像读书一样，没读书，就不要想会考到好成绩。赶快去sign up 啦，花不了那几分钟吗？要做任何事情都要付出代价的。还有啊，出来做工不要expect别人会帮你，不要complain多多，也不要expect人家会特别疼你。我想，你还是乖乖呆在家啦，做工后，你要多呆都不能了。珍惜现在的生活，乐观点，还有，改掉你爱做梦的习惯啦，不要常常几人忧天，12月还没到。 哈哈。等你好消息。下次记得请我吃顿好的。 呵呵。

Prediction

Well, the event has ended successfully, I thought. The slides, although I got a little upset because she cancelled the presentation, but everything was fine, the beginning, and the end, nothing wrong, so I'm safe. Well, just hope that you are alright. See, you have to know, this is our society, realistic, and pathetic. You can't expect much from others, instead what you can do is not to change the others but yourself. The moment we took photo, and she scolded, that's reasonable. Try to stand on the site of the boss, then the customers, I think there's nothing wrong. By the way, don't complaint too much, if you are unhappy with this job, please resign. I just hate to see how you tease your friends. I can't stand for it anymore. Do you think you are perfect??? Nobody's perfect okay?? I believed she had her abilities. Efficiency doesn't mean everything. I think, you, gotta be tough, this is no longer school life, you have to accept all the facts, the boss, the societies, your friends. And you! Stop nagging and complaining like an ass hole, keep your mouth shut and do your works. If you don't want to do, don't complain, resign please. You are out of my world, no longer my concern. I tried to accept your weaknesses and your attitudes, but you are just making me pissed off, and that's all. Actually, things are under my prediction, I got no surprise feeling and I still can accept it. As far as I did my best. 

Taylor Swift

The reason I liked her songs, I heard guitar in every songs. <3

There are more than these, but these are my favorites. <3

If this was a movie

There's lyrics, and the strumming of the guitar, playing in my head. 

Skills

It has been awhile I away from this blog. Sometimes I just felt insecure of write it on, I just don't like being stalked. I have been working for a month, approaching 2 months. I had got my first salary, and obviously I did not spent it wisely. I bought clothes, I bought cosmetics, I bought skin care products, and I almost pay for the trip to Lang Tengah. I don't have much to pay for it. I was so excited that I was finally got the chances of travel with my friend. But when my dad knew there is only both of us, he banned it again, ended up going with him. Well, sorry my friend. Sincerely I wanted to go with you, I brought the happiness and I ended with disappoint. Sorry pale. =(  Cases coming up, debit card transaction, I'm sick of it. Firstly was the paint ball vouchers, settled. Now is the clothes, had void the payment but not yet get the credit back to my account. That's the most importance thing I not yet buy- guitar. God damn, I wanted it so much, I have been crazy thinking of it again and again. Truly lefty guitar is really hard to find, and I did look up for it, ended up with disappointment again. Fine. What I have to do is to WAIT. One of the thing I learnt, beside of those paper works. I did complaint, I have to wait for their reply. I had done my job, I have to wait for my boss approval. I want to buy stuffs, I have to wait for my salary. There's too much I have to wait for. The most important I have to wait for STPM resullts, I think this could be the most suffer days ever. I has been nervous and stressed for a day, ONLY. Thanks for the compliment, I knew it meant nothing to you, and it not really meant anything to me, it just help release my stress and tension. It is a very easy job but it possibly drove me tension and stress enough to screw my days. I will just do my best. My life now, Imma facing computer for almost 10 hours, 8 hours working, 2 hours playing computer games, and the rest of time I using electronic gadgets and devices- my best friends nowadays. This case causes the weakening of my eye sight, I need a spectacle, like seriously. I've tried today, wore spectacle for a day, and did realized my eyes didn't get tired easily. I had the aim, had the hypothesis, had the problem statement, had the procedure, and know I had my conclusion, I need a spectacle. Another expenses again, I just wanted to get guitar first. 

=(

Do not think about it anymore, go to bed. P/s: Damn it! 

振作

心伤完了，钱花完了，是时候又开始努力了。为什么往往都是把钱花光了才愿意振作？ 得筹旅费了，是怕到年尾都还没本事凑钱进大学。我还要买衣服，买吉他，还有我要买bikini!!!!

Random update

Started my job, everything's fine. This is the 2nd week. I have no time for exercise. Gah, just assume that I am lazy. I have spend a lot for my OL clothes, shoes, but not bag. Hehe. Thanks ya. You know who I mentioned about. <3 But I still planning for more!!! I am greedy! Hope I won't go bankrupt and I have enough money to go for university. Imma not planning for clothes anymore!!! After I got my first month salary, I must get myself a new toy - guitar!!! I've been saying that since 17, had been 3 years. I gonna make it true. One of my dream. And I don't really understand, did I changed a lot??? Like seriously, many people can't recognize me. Is that a good sign? Or otherwise. Well, I was a driver just now for hamper delivery, nice job carried out with Jia Ling. I enjoyed spending my time with her just now, she is a cheerful girl. Wish you can be cheerful always. And the word naive is great enough to describe her. Just beware of people beside you, they maybe not a goat, but tiger, they might not shark, they might be remora. Human tend to trick, to achieve what they want. And I believe this is how human live now, and the worst in future. And 2012 so called Armageddon? I am waiting for that. The 3rd world war may begin.